Thursday, March 11, 2010

I'm as sick as Glenn Beck is normally

So I went to the clinic to get some health care reform. Afterwards, it was time to get the drugs. My options were essentially to stick it to Wal-Mart (by going to another pharmacy), or stick it to the pharmaceutical industry (with Wal-Mart's $4 generics). Wal-Mart won. Relish it, Wally World. Even a broken clock...

I'm currently on two pills and a bottle of prescription cough syrup that tastes a little too authentically grape. All three medications carry enough warning labels to resemble that terror color chart. Here are some of my favorites (so to speak):

"Take this medicine with a full glass of water."

Well, yeah. The pill's about as wide as my trachea, so that's a no-brainer. Or is this one of those optimist/pessimist riddles?

"Do not take antacids, vitamins, iron, or dairy products within 2 hours of taking this medicine."

Wait, wait...dairy products? Well, that might be so bad, except that everything I seem to eat has some milk buried in it. Those Girl Scout cookies will have to eat themselves, I guess. I don't even drink milk! Go figure.

This contraindication does have the benefit of making me sufficiently nauseated just thinking about what could happen if I let this pill and the dairy duke it out in my stomach to actually eat anything. So there's that.

"May cause drowsiness."

Drowsiness is pretty much the point of cough syrup, isn't it? Even if it is the kind that I specifically requested not to knock me out on its own terms.

"Alcohol may intensify this effect."

Alcohol intensifies a lot of effects.

"Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery."

It's driver's ed on a bottle! I like, too, the distinction between "a car" and "dangerous machinery." Never the twain shall meet. And it goes without saying that you can continue to operate your harmless machinery with reckless abandon.

"MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS"

Or that may be from all the snot pressing against the inside of my head. Benefit of the doubt on this one.

"You should avoid prolonged or excessive exposure to direct and/or artificial sunlight while taking this medicine."

I don't even want to know. Let me remain ignorant on this one. Not that excessive exposure to direct sunlight is a problem in Missouri at this time of year, but STILL...

"This medicine may lower your ability to fight off infections."

Into repeat business, are ya?

"Avoid contact with people who have contagious diseases."

Which is how you avoid sickness in the first place.

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