Saturday, February 06, 2010

SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAME ALERT!

An advisory is out about the Saints Super Bowl drinking meme that's been going around: Due to a computer glitch, some rules of the game could cause you to be unresponsive. Here are the new, repaired drinking game rules:

Drink four beers:

• Every time an NFL analyst picks the Saints to win (this includes print newspapers and MySpace).

• For every pre-game vignette that treats the Saints as an equal opponent/story and not just as a backdrop for how much better the Colts are.

• Anytime it’s noted that, while the Saints have faced long odds and unfavorable historical trends all season, they have broken nearly all of them.

• When someone concedes that, yes, it’s probably unfair to take New Orleans’ low defensive ranking at face value because many of their starters were out for half the season, and even then they mostly won, and with Jabari Greer, Darren Sharper and Tracy Porter all starting, they haven’t lost yet.

• Whenever it’s noted that the Saints actually had far more, far more dubious and far costlier penalties against them in the NFC Championship game than the Vikings did.

• Whenever it’s noted that the Saints outscored the Colts in 13 of 18 games this season, including the last four in a row.

• Anytime an analyst suggests that this Super Bowl will be a historic barnburner featuring the absolute best and most exciting pair of teams this year, and that we’ll only know how it turns out by watching on Sunday.

Standard imbibing is probably acceptable:

• During any commentary that Drew Brees has a long way to go to rise to the level of Peyton Manning, meaning he has to win one Super Bowl and lower his QB rating.

• Whenever it’s mentioned how many Saints players (Devery Henderson, Tracy Porter, Randall Gay, Deuce McAllister, to name a few) grew up locally and cheered the team, and how Drew Brees, Jeremy Shockey, Anthony Hargrove and Sean Payton say they couldn’t be anywhere better.

• When it’s noted that Super Bowl XLIV features a New Orleans quarterback in Indianapolis, and a Purdue quarterback in New Orleans.

• With any nagging fear at the back of your mind that Pete Townshend might have a wardrobe malfunction at halftime.

When to drink water:

• Every time a Colts fan brings up the loss to Tampa Bay without mentioning that the Saints trounced the Bucs 38-7 on the road when it mattered.

• At any mention of "Who Dat" being grammatically incorrect.

• “Running game? Pfffft! We don’t need one cuz Manning’s the best EVAH!”

• Any time a Colts fan argues the NFC is weaker and that the Saints can’t beat an AFC team, except for all four they played.

• Whenever a Colts fan says, with no irony, that the Saints will lose due to first-time Super Bowl jitters.

Don’t even drink water:

• When someone accuses the Saints of playing dirty, because of that one hit on Brett Favre. After all, you can die of water poisoning too.

Eat a ShamWow:

• When it’s mentioned that the Colts might have gone undefeated, but they didn’t because they controlled their own destiny!

Especially special advisory:

• Do NOT drink every time the media fawns over Peyton Manning. Because such a massive overdose of alcohol will bend time and space and you are already dead.

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