Monday, February 22, 2010

Only in my dreams

So I've been having this recurring dream for about four years now...

It takes place in a vast network of apartment complexes, health clubs, bus stops, malls, football fields, storage sheds, highways, night spots, acting schools and even swamps. Each venue is punctuated by its own song, usually a Michael Jackson one, and in each one I'm always trying to acquire something.

Acquire what? I have no idea. All I know is that the object varies in each setting. And that the pursuit of each one makes me feel ecstatic.

Man, that sounds illicit...

Let me put it this way: the objects spin or slide around in the given setting, and I'm always grabbing but never quite snaring what I want.

As if that sounds any better... Jeez...

The objects, whatever they are, represent intangibles. Things like skills, fame, societal impact, closure to the past, etc. Each one addresses something that might be troubling my subconscious at the moment. They all float right past me, yet are always out of reach. And, on top of that, I can never remember what the hell it is these things are. I want to know that almost more than I want to actually have these things.

In a similar vein, I frequently dream that I am standing on the porch of my childhood home, conducting a sweep of the mailbox for important letters routed to my old address. Sure, my family hasn't lived there for almost 11 years, but somehow I still have an entire trough of mail to clear out each week. I never actually get around to opening those letters, magazines and packages, but just collecting them gives me an eager, anticipatory feeling.

These are my top two recurring dreams, but really they seem to point to one idea: that I still haven't found what I'm looking for, and that I'm often overwhelmed when I look.

The funny thing is, I think I started having the first type of dream when I started doing sudoku puzzles on a regular basis. During my unemployment stretch, I would sometimes do 12 or 13 a day. In the first incarnation of this dream, the objects I so desired were the numbers to the puzzle, such as dancing twos or a garden of threes. But over time, the objects became more varied and less clear.

I mention all this because I had both dreams again last night. And for the first time, I almost focused in on what the objects actually were, as if the meaning of all this was being made clear to me. I still don't know for sure, but it suddenly seemed relevant. And possible that I'm getting a handle on what this trippy, pleasant dreamscape actually means.

I hope I can find out soon. In the meantime, I shall apply the zeal of my dreams to my real life. Why not?

No comments: