Monday, September 21, 2009

New rules, (almost) all-sports edition

Rule #136: Best of the weak
"Plays of the week" sports highlight reels must comprise actual thrilling plays; context should not be necessary. These feats of athleticism should halt me in my tracks when shown without sound in a crowded gym, not require explanation with 25 SportsCenter one-liners. I'd rather see an acrobatic, one-handed grab by a podunk Division III team down 95-2 than some pedestrian touchdown pass that makes the list because the Giants happened to be behind when Eli Manning threw it. Leave the contextual plays for compilations where they make sense. Such as, "Best upsets of the Patriots."

Rule #137: Articulame
Anyone who earns a living as an American professional sports commentator must be able to pronounce all 26 letters of the alphabet. If there's an H in Houston - and last I checked, there is - I want to hear it. Otherwise, to 'ell with you!

Rule #138: QWERTYOIL
Keyboards in public computer labs must be wiped clean at least once a year. I appreciate having access to this machine, but the keys look and feel like my face did when I was 14. And yes, that's what she said.

Archive of rules less new than these

1 comment:

NOLA Progressive said...

Also, how about this one? If you are an ESPN anchor and you have an obvious Bro-mance with either Pete Carol or Tom Brady daily, you must wear a skirt and have them take you out to dinner