Monday, September 07, 2009

A modest proposal: Employers' Day

If we have Labor Day, shouldn't we also have Employers' Day? After all, big corporations and businesses also make the American economy what it is, and it's only fair to honor them too.

I'm sick of all this whining by laborers that enough hasn't been done to end centuries of oppression at the hands of their bosses. Yes, things were terrible once, and flat-out unspeakable at times. But you have your freedom now: official work hours, safety regulations, occasional union rights, the freedom to get a new job if the old one isn't cutting it for you. You even have your own holiday! The excuses are over!

Oh, and it's not my fault my ancestor made your ancestor stay at work after losing several fingers at that meat plant in 1906. I don't feel guilty about it, so let bygones be bygones!

I propose, in the spirit of fairness and balance, that the U.S. adopt an Employers' Day weekend. A time to celebrate everything that our business leaders have done to so benevolently offer livelihoods to the common people. A stretch of rest for our most burdened CEOs, who would otherwise never have time for that quick, impulsive overseas jaunt.

When could this weekend fit into our calendar? How about the first week in August? And yes, it would last a whole week, because America's business barons have worked too hard for a mere one day off. But lest bottom-line losses be a concern for that week, U.S. workers will be graced with a mandatory double-shift schedule each day, bathroom breaks optional. Not only will this ramp-up in production allow bosses to breathe easier on the decks of their yachts, but it will serve as a stark reminder to workers as to how bad things could really get. It will also make them all that more grateful for Labor Day a few weeks later. Everyone wins!

This message brought to you by the American Dream Corporation.

3 comments:

NOLA Progressive said...

Oh dear Ian. You painted a target on yourself now. If you werent' labeled a commu-socia-nazi-librul-babykiller before you most certainly are now!

To have the audacity to speak snarkily of the American Aristocracy, is a big big no-no. I'm pretty sure that the C-Street Illuminati council held a King James Constitutional Convention recently, and they added the Corporate Libel clause to the Bible. In fact, it's a whole new book: The Book of Haliburton (right after The Book of Mark I think). Apparently this is a go directly to hell offense.

Snark aside, you know you have the "Rage on mighty hypocrites" comments coming now, but I admire you for being objective enough to see the issue. All of this. All of the left/right, conservative/liberal struggle boils down to this argument. We don't need or require people who fill palace-like offices with bathrooms bigger than our houses to be a successful nation. The fact that this is what we are urged to strive for as an ultimate goal is a fundamental fuck-up in our culture. We don't need more houses than we can live in year round or private jets and yachts to get us there. However, so very many would find attaining this level of opulence while so very many more struggle to make basic ends meet the very definition of accomplishing the "American Dream".

Dog-eat-dog is built into the core of our economic and financial culture now. The same people who want to throw Thomas Jefferson quotes around to justify their rhetoric forget that he envisioned a country full of small/independent farmers and people living simple and happy lives.

So, I say kudos. Don't ever forget how important the very topic you address this Labor Day truly is!

Tom Alday said...

Those damn employers, paying us and stuff. The GALL!

Anonymous said...

My two or three recent employers have probably saved my life. It's a great thing to be able to give someone a job.