Tuesday, April 21, 2009

New rules

Rule #91: Ballpark figure
If sports stadiums must be named after corporate sponsors, then said sponsors must have some tangential connection to sports. Rawlings Park. Wilson Field. Riddell Arena. Hell, those almost sound like actual names. Enough with this cell phone and bank shit! Just because you have all the money doesn't mean you should be able to piss your name onto every structure in exchange for some luxury corporate suites. Sometimes I wonder if the teams aren't doing this out of sheer cynicism.

Saints owner Tom Benson never met a used car he didn't like, and Louisiana never met a toxic-waste plant or oil derrick it didn't love. But even they won't add the name of a beloved politician to the Superdome, much less give Halliburton a crack at it.

If I ever start a business (and why wouldn't I in this economy?), I'm going to officially name it deluxesolutionsforlivinghighonthehog.com.com, Co. Inc. LLC. Then I'll buy naming rights to a beloved ballpark and call the Associated Press and ESPN and demand that they refer to my stadium as deluxesolutionsforlivinghighonthehog.com.com Co. Inc. LLC Field. And they'll do it, too, because money talks. Who cares what the fans think? I won't be able to hear them through my insulated luxury box anyway.

Rule #92: Absent tea leave
Don't assume everyone who doesn't support the tea parties is some welfare-sucking leech on society. I'm not, and neither are millions of others. You know what I was doing while you were out dressed like Ben Franklin? Working. What were you doing? Holding up a misspelled sign for a cause you don't understand. Don't like the blanket generality? Exactly.

Rule #93: Always up for semantics
If a political committee's mission is to lobby for more pollution/logging/drilling, it can't be called Clean Air for America/Pristine Forest Initiative/Alliance for New Fuel or any other completely B.S. trick of a name. Oh, and no more Freedom, Liberty, Family or America. Most groups with those words in their name seem to mean it as a joke.

All the rules

1 comment:

Michael said...

May I also suggest, as an amendment to #91, that nothing not already named for Ronald Reagan or Stephen Colbert can be named for either person?