Thursday, March 26, 2009

Inspired rules

Rule #82: Idol chatter
Radio DJs, and everyone else, have to stop steering every conversation toward American Idol. It's annoying when you don't watch the show and thus don't know any of the contestants from Adam Lambert. I imagine it's irritating even if you love the show; hey, I love Family Guy, but don't necessarily want to steer a conversation about health care to the time Peter sued his doctor for molestation during a prostate exam.

Rule #82-B: Facial profiling
If your Facebook status describes anguish over someone being eliminated from a reality show and you are over 21, you lose your right to vote.

Rule #83: Two enemies make a Right
Don't call George W. Bush a liberal just because he expanded government. It's interesting to see many Republicans rationalize the failures of the Bush regime by saying that he isn't, in fact, one of them. They'll tell you that the reason Bush failed was because he wasn't true to the conservative principles of small government and stingy federal spending. And because he wasn't conservative, he must have been liberal — the old "enemy of my enemy is my friend" mentality. At least they're consistent.

Saying Bush was a liberal because of his reckless spending is like saying a white supremacist is black because he once subscribed to "Vibe." I believe "hypocrite" is the better word.

Rule #84: Meta Critic
Rock music must stop making songs about being rock stars. Joe Walsh would be spinning in his grave if he'd committed suicide over just how far the conceit has fallen. His song was funny, clever and satirical: "Everybody's so different / I haven't changed." By comparison, Nickelback sounds like the very moronic Cristal-Hummer hip-hop that they're supposedly satirizing. And is there any less-appropriate time to be celebrating conspicuous consumption than today? Apart from ever?

Rule #85: Detroit Scions
Base Toyota in Detroit. Kills two birds with one stone.


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