Monday, March 02, 2009

Crap about the CPAC claptrap

Did you catch the annual Conservative Political Action Committee convention? Boy, what a doozy! You've got to admire their persistence, pluck, drive, spunk, moxie, grit and chutzpah! Democrats should watch their backs, because the special fanatical motivation it takes for these people to do anything other than cower in the fetal position overcome by a paralyzing sense of regret could work wonders for the GOP in 2010 and 2012 if properly channeled. Fortunately for my sense of morbid entertainment, these folks have no shame, and no concept of the word "anachronism."

Being a CPAC member in 2009 is a bit like:

--Being an Atari game designer in 1985
--Starting a print-only newspaper targeted at bank executives in Detroit
--Working the tech-support hotline for Windows 3.1
--Watching any 1990s sitcom once family members start to inexplicably vanish
--Sinking all your assets into a Max Headroom boutique
--Taking up New Coke
--Investing in Studebaker stock
--Being a Motley Crue
--Going to Burger King and saying you're not Herb
--Trying to bring back phone-booth stuffing
--Tolerating post-9/11 Dennis Miller (Oh, wait...)
--Come to think of it, taking out a subprime mortgage

If the CPAC was a car, it'd be a double-wide Hummer made with asbestos that runs on passenger pigeons.

If the CPAC issued a soundtrack, it would be on 8-track tape and sold only in Branson.

If the CPAC was a football team, they'd start Lynn Swann and J.C. Watts. Literally.

If the CPAC was a bed-wetting video for children, it'd be a two-hour loop of, "DON'T DO IT!!"

If the CPAC was a Ford Pinto, it would be too incompetent to blow up.

If the CPAC was a condom, it would be mesh.

If the CPAC was milk, it would already be cheese.

If the CPAC was your playground could probably kick its ass.

What a sterling lineup these goofs had. The new faces of conservatism are Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich? Really? Was Dan Quayle too busy? I hear George H.W. Bush can still constitutionally serve four more years. You want executive experience? There's your executive experience, hoss!

They may gripe that Barack Obama is the Second Coming of Jimmy Carter, but that's different than putting the actual Jimmy Carter up on a lectern as the hot new recipe for the future. (Maybe this is a bad example - Carter remains supremely active in politics and is much more maligned than he deserves to be. But you see my point.)

What this illustrious CPAC lineup does show is that U.S. conservatives are, in fact, at their best when they have something to hate. Rush Limbaugh first peaked in the Bill Clinton era, and seems set on surging again in the Obama age. He's a blowhard radio pundit with zero good works to his name, much like Ann Coulter, Michael Savage, Michelle Malkin and their ilk. The fact that any politicians listen to these dipshits at all, let alone revere them in a leadership context, shows that they are less interested in leading than in being bullies. They're delighted Obama is president, because it lets them be especially pissy. And that's way more fun than, say, a President John McCain or - shudder - working with Michael Steele to make the world a better place.

And that's precisely why they need the old names to be new again - because true conservative hate needs the finest, most experienced names in the business. And the occasional overly articulate, brainwashed kid. Apparently, there's no room for anyone in between those age brackets, like Ben "Turd" Ferguson, in the Age of Change. The GOP will keep recycling (for lack of a better word) the old names until they literally drop dead of carbon monoxide poisoning from breathing so much fire. Or of an OxyContin overdose.

I'm not saying the CPAC is out of step with changing times...but rumors are swirling that Jackie Mason is in talks to headline next year. The main sticking point is whether he's too fresh and/or sufficiently extreme. And whether or not a professional comedian can possibly top the comedy of Rush Limbaugh.

After stomaching a few convention highlights, even I can't believe how intensely - and gleefully - conservatives cling to failed ideologies, bully tactics and a pathological need to lean on the same tired names over and over. The convention has helped me understand why there are so few conservative movies coming from Hollywood: Ronald Reagan and Charlton Heston keep missing their casting calls. That, and An American Carol.

No wonder Obama smiles so much.

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