Monday, January 19, 2009

Pre-inaugural rules

Rule #61: Hail Mary to the Chief
Barack Obama is not the messiah. We are fully aware, despite many conservatives' pathological projections, that the president-elect is just a man who isn't going to solve all of our problems overnight, or ever. Yes, Obama supporters find him to be intelligent, cool, charming and optimistic. But isn't that the point? Don't we want that in both the face and the brain of the United States? Is it wrong to put our good faith in Obama now that we've elected him president? Ten to one, the conservatives who bray the most about the "Obamessiah" are the very same ones who thought the election of 2000 was an act of divine intervention. After all, God wanted Dubya to be president. Isn't that what Bush himself said? So please spare us the messiah talk. After eight years of Bush, we could only be so lucky.

Rule #62: Two-Million Man March
During inaugural coverage, someone must point out that the estimated two million people expected in the National Mall represents two-thirds of the net jobs Bush created in eight years in office. Someone should note that, while that number represents an astounding turnout for an inauguration, it reflects the most pathetic job figures for any president since World War II. Someone could mention in passing that, in contrast, Jimmy Carter created 10.5 million jobs in four years. Or that the Bush figure doesn't count the half-million-plus jobs that evaporated in December 2008, defying even the most pessimistic forecast at the time. Fox News must entertain us all by citing the most dismal holiday shopping season since 1970 - that would be 2008 - and suggest that the U.S. meltdown is all our fault because we didn't shop enough like Bush told us to do. Finally, someone should mention that Bush's rankings in these categories actually reflect the worst ever recorded - leaving Sean Hannity with a window to suggest that Martin Van Buren could conceivably have notched a worse Black Friday. And that's what I'd call true Inauguration Day entertainment.

Rule #63: Decider's Decisions
Bush says history will ultimately judge him. Well, now he's history, and he looks pretty damn guilty.

More rules

No comments: