Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain-Palin - The Dead Parrot ticket

Birthday boy John McCain has chosen Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his running mate. The pick represents a solid move by the McCain camp, addressing numerous shortcomings that so far have plagued the Republicans in 2008:

-- By choosing Palin, the Panama-born McCain aims to one-up Barack Obama's cultural exotic-tude by ensuring that the entire GOP presidential ticket is Not Of This Land. Anything Obama can do, McCain can do better. No word on what southerners will think of this snub - but really, who else are they gonna vote for? Bob Barr? Bring it on!

-- Sarah Palin is a woman. Therefore, she will capture the significant percentage of women voters who are so jilted over Hillary Clinton's loss that they will set aside all principles to vote GOP in protest. Hey, they're liberals; they're fragile flip-floppers! And what better voting bloc to have on your side than the revenge vote? It worked for Bush!

Her femininity is also reminiscent of Geraldine Ferraro, the first woman to run as vice president of a major U.S. political party in 1984. Ferraro was a Hillary loyalist who complained that Obama kicked butt in the primaries due to his race, so that's good. She ran with former vice president Walter Mondale, who got a 525-13 electoral throttling by Ronald Reagan. That's better.

-- Palin brings much-needed vitality and youth to the ticket, being considerably younger than 72. Her more-than-passing resemblance to Tina Fey will remind voters that McCain once hosted Saturday Night Live, where he mocked John Ashcroft, proving that he can be both hip and a maverick.

-- Additionally, the 44-year-old governor's rapid rise to the top mirrors that of another rising star, Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, America's first Indian-American governor. Unlike Jindal, however, Palin is a safer choice for the heartland. And safety is what Republicans talk about (and/or do) best.

-- Palin is currently under investigation for the controversial firing of Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan, who alleges the termination was motivated by his refusal to fire an officer who was divorcing Palin's sister at the time. So, clearly, she's pro-family.

-- Finally, Palin shares a surname with Michael Palin of Monty Python, perhaps most famous for his turn as the endlessly rationalizing shopkeep in the "Dead Parrot" sketch. Similarly, Sarah Palin will make a tremendous parrot for the GOP.

-- Dana Perino just read a statement about George W. Bush's upcoming speech at the Republican National Convention. In addition to putting even the most egregious press releases to shame, the statement specifically noted that the speech "will not address the president's accomplishments in his seven-and-a-half years in office."

Duly noted. Let's get this party started!

1 comment:

gg said...

W. has accomplishments?