Congratulations on your victory in the Pennsylvania primary. You knew, as everyone else did, that the fair commonwealth would deliver for you. And, sure, it wasn't exactly the 20-point drubbing you needed over Barack Obama - and seemed to have coming in - that you needed to keep this race a nail-biter. But as they say in sports, you're only as good as your last game...a sentiment Pennsylvania sports fans understand only too well. And this high-profile victory should give you a major boost in the coming weeks. You'll need it.
You won last night 54.3-46.7, which would be decisive except for the circumstances. As I've already noted, you lost nearly half your massive lead over Obama in the month or so that you've both had to go steady with the world's largest pencil. Get it? Pennsylvania? The world's largest pencil? Sesame Street Magazine is here all week, folks.
Oh, stop mocking me, Hill! At least I'm capable of realistic wrestling trash talk.
Anyway...where was I? Oh yeah. So you saw your lead, er, change, as Obama outspent you by huge amounts. Whether or not Obama's gain was offset by his infamous "bitter" remark-slash-goldmine for idiots, he showed that he was willing to make the most of his vast reserves. That are still pretty full, by the way. But look on the bright side: look how much Obama's had to spend just to try to keep up with you! If you keep up your campaign long enough, that's all the more he'll have to spend. And raise from his enthusiastic legions of voters. And the more he fights you, the sharper he'll get, which makes him more likely to continue riding high, which means he'll be on TV more, which gives him more opportunities for you to call him out on trivial things, because there really isn't a lot to attack him on politically...and...gosh... You know what? I can't even do this!
You, girl, are in a tight spot, and one that isn't entirely your own making. After all, in recent years you seemed like the viable candidate for the Democrats in the post-Bush era. Many of us who supported you were further spurred by the idea of getting two great leaders for the price of one - and perhaps a return the better days that preceded the reckless and tragic years of the George W. Bush administration. But then Obama wowed us all at the 2004 convention, and surprised us even more with how quickly and admirably he has proved himself worthy of leadership. So it's not like we don't like you, it's just that Barack is on another planet. And that planet is not Bizarro.
In bringing out his best, unfortunately, Barack has also brought out the worst in you. Condescending personal attacks and that air of inevitability are par for your course nowadays. And what was that you said yesterday about attacking Iran? Are you and John McCain now harmonizing in the Beach Boys together?
My theory is that, deep down, you know that Obama is this generation's version of your husband Bill back in 1992 - the generational shift that marked a staggering departure from a spent generation of button-down politics. Of course, now that such a change is a threat to your own established ways, you have no choice but to fight it with every ounce of your being. Early on, this fight was good for the Democrats - two solid candidates duking it out was the perfect catalyst for those of us mired in years of hopelessness to feel some kind of spark again.
But, as with all sparks, this run has snuffed out. It's not that you should be cajoled into giving up; rather, this is a case of not using smart judgment. Where some see a strong resolve, others see a good leader ruining her reputation at the possible peril of both hers and the party's future. And no one wants that. Aside from the Republicans, that is.
Of course, as Pennsylvania proved, I could be wrong. But I'm probably not. After all, the Keystone Kommonwealth is a Democratic stronghold, whereas Barack tends to triple voter turnout in states that haven't gone blue since the days of your husband (or JFK, for that matter). That's a good thing, right?
I'm not saying any of us out of dislike for you, but rather because I don't want to see you, Bill and Chelsea come to represent all that is divisive in politics. So don't be bitter when reality knocks and votes for change. That day wasn't yesterday, but it's coming. How you handle it will determine your future as a leader. Good luck.
PS -- I realize that my likeness of you sort of morphs into Nancy Pelosi. That wasn't meant to be a statement, though it is a good one.