Tuesday, February 27, 2007

My train of thought at Chili’s last night

Man this table sucks I can’t see anything oh my God is this loud guy next to me talking about the Democrats damn it’s bad enough they gave me this table with a view of nothing now I have to listen to this obnoxious asshole thunder Democrats like it’s a curse word shut up shut up shut up oh it’s just my luck that a party of eight came in just before I did and now I have to wait and listen to this guy more good grief man shut up about each and every Democrat needing to be kicked out of Congress they don’t hate the troops shut up shut up shut up God why don’t you let the other guy talk once in awhile it sounds like you’re lecturing his ass let him say something he looks two percent less ignorant than you come on shut up shut up shut up who cares if you think Catholics are superior to the Mormons quit harping on the trinity shut up shut up shut up I shouldn’t have come here hi thanks for the chicken sandwich mmmmm oops looks like it was a little undercooked no it’s okay I’ll just tear that part off thanks hey dude you know if you want English to be the official language of America you should at least learn how to speak it without that Sling Blade drawl and sweet Jesus how are you able to talk that long without breathing you must have shut up at some point because you can’t possibly have gotten that obese without stopping to eat jeez I can’t even see your head behind your friend but I sure can see a wide space between your shoulders your bud looks like Carlos Mencia I’m surprised you let him sit at your table I see he’s got on an Army jacket maybe that’s the reason I have a headache from your prattling shut up shut up shut up man this would make a great blog I need to blog more thank you you’re a great muse even though you’re the biggest prick and you ruined both my meal and my faith in humanity so thank you I’ll be going good God you look like a cross between Boss Hogg and L. Ron Hubbard maybe a little Andre the Giant too I hadn’t noticed that while I was eating thank goodness for that oh nice now that you’re gone and I'm leaving a cute girl shows up jeez she just belched oh well that’s the smartest thing I’ve heard all night at least she’s embarrassed I only wish Boss Hogg had been too shut up Ian shut up shut up shut up

Monday, February 26, 2007

Dis Patches

--At an antiques/sports-memorabilia store here in Springfield, you can buy an Archie Manning autographed Saints mini-helmet for $80. Aaron Brooks goes for $70 and Donte Stallworth goes for about the same price. For the tight-pocketed, Jeff Blake's is only $50. Guess they were sold out of the Chip Lohmillers...

--James Cameron is coming out with a new documentary claiming that a tomb discovered in 1980 contains the remains of Jesus, Mary Magdalene and their kid. That tinkling you feel is Dan Brown wetting his pants.

--Here's my suggestion for a "Before and After" Wheel of Fortune puzzle: "Payroll Taxes of Evil."

--Tony Blair announced that he is going to begin withdrawing British troops from Iraq. Looks like they're the Coalition of the Willing to Leave. I wish we'd join up.

--Peter Pan recalled a bunch of its peanut butter after it was discovered that certain batches were infected with salmonella. While helping Katrina refugees in 2005, I ate a Peter Pan sandwich, went home and vomited 20 times in three hours. So I can sympathize.

--In Springfield, the local bars hosted a Mardi Gras pub crawl: for $10, you could go to all of the downtown bars. It sounds like a bargain, sure, but my friend went and told me that most of the bars weren't charging covers anyway. Also, it wasn't quite as rowdy as New Orleans (or even Lafayette).

--A female suicide bomber killed more than 40 people at a university in Iraq. Most of the news feeds I've seen of this emphasize that the bomber was a woman. I don't get it; that's like emphasizing the color of Charles Manson's school bus. What's really newsworthy to me is that these people are willing to blow up their own institutions of education, the pillars that stand the best chance of really bringing an end to the barbarism prevalent in the Middle East. On the other hand, maybe it does make sense.

--I watched "Rudy" last night. Man, that movie makes me cry more than "Forrest Gump" sauteed in onions. "Rudy" actually parallels my own high-school football career, except for the part about people cheering me onto the field. My teammates did call me "Rudy," though.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Stream of Conscience

--You know what I'm obsessed with? Anna Nicole. Not.

--On CNN right now, they're talking about how Ted Kaczynski might be plotting a major terrorist attack from the Supermax in Florence, Colorado. They say he and the other inmates could conceivably do so because the prison is underfunded and understaffed, and thus isn't always able to monitor telecommunication.

The Unabomber using up-to-date technology to mastermind another strike by the anti-technological. Wouldn't that be ironic? But hey, that's our Teddy.

--I think I'm going to write a scholarly essay on the movie "White Chicks." There's enough material there, I believe.

--A couple of days ago I met a guy who was walking his dog. The dog, who found my leg very humpable, was named "Deuce." I said "Oh, like Deuce McAllister!" Nope. Seahawks fan straight out of Washington. I'm not in Kansas anymore! (Actually, I live among Chiefs fans, so I almost AM in Kansas...but you get my point.)

--I'm seeing a lot of NutriSystem commercials lately. Most of these involve former pro-football players. The message being, of course, if you buy their program and eat only their food, you too can look like Don Shula in several months.

--Last night, I accidentally locked myself out of my office building. Because no one inside could see me, I had to wait in the smoking area until someone drove up. And thus was born my quandary: do I pretend to be smoking, or do I admit to being an idiot? So I did what any cool cat would do: immediately admitted to locking my keys in the building. Gotta protect the reputation, after all.

--Why does everyone think Britney Spears is nuts just because she shaved her head? Doesn't anybody remember who was leafing through that hair for the past few years? I'd shave it too. Maybe get some electrolysis while I was at it.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Mardi Gras in the Midwest

According to the local news, next week is the religious observance of Shrove Tuesday.

I have this day off.

Now read that first sentence again.

Religious observance of Shrove Tuesday.

That's like saying Jeffrey Dahmer violated the terms of his apartment contract.

I may have to throw beads at myself.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Observations about my new domicile

Most people don't know this, but I go to school up here: the School of Hard Knocks. Just yesterday I attended a class in Needing Gloves and Ice Scrapers 90. It wasn't 101-level, because I'm remedial. It's been great meeting neighbors by walking up to their cars (as a stranger wearing a wool hat and gloves) and asking if I can borrow a cutting tool. Fortunately, they see my tan and understand immediately.

--Ever seen "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"? It's exactly like that. I'm waiting for Del Griffith to turn the corner any second now.

--Missouri license plates smell good. Most plates have this weird coppery smell to them, but MO tags have a fresh scent. They also sport the motto, "Show-Me State." Coolest state motto. Ever.

--In what has been a significant awakening to my conscience, every single TV in every single public place is not tuned to Fox News. Occasionally they're locked into MSNBC.

--Being here has improved my vocabulary. While moving, the words "bureaucracy" and "convoluted" crossed my mind a lot.

--Everyone talks about Anna Nicole. All the time.

--Except when they're talking about the Dixie Chicks.

--For as long as I can remember, my dreams have always taken place in an alternate universe, with different locales, schools, parks and hangouts. Many parts of Springfield look exactly like these dreams. How about that?

--Springfield is cool. Seriously, it's like nine degrees out here right now! Oh, and it's also cool in a metaphorical sense. The people are fantastic and the experience is exciting. At this moment, I couldn't ask for more.

Except maybe for earmuffs. Got any?

Monday, February 12, 2007

Where have I been?

Long story, but I'm now living in Missouri and working in my field. The lack of updates is more reflective of my lack of homegrown Internet access than of anything else. But, by good fortune, I just found an Internet cafe within walking distance of my apartment. (Even if my server crashed there and this is being posted two days after I wrote it.) This means I will not go away after all!

Note to New Orleans bloggers: I may, from time to time, talk about local culture of which you may be unfamiliar. In an attempt to not leave you adrift, here's a brief list of terms I may use from time to time. Don't hesitate to speak up if any of these words stump you:

"Snow"
"6.5 percent sales tax"
"Smoking section"
"Wool hat"
"Ice"
"Baseball"
"You guys"
"Authentic Cajun cooking"

This past week has been a blur; but it's been a lot of fun too. From one FEMA hotspot to another, this is Ian McGibboney saying: please don't stop reading me! How else are you going to stay in touch with middle American values?

Have a nice day!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

My run-in with Bowl-bound Bears fans

Typically, "Super Bowl" and "Ian" converge about as often as "FEMA" and "public acclaim." This year, however, I can claim my own brush with the bustling throng that will see Super Bowl XLI through nosebleed seating.

Yesterday (as often happens to me lately) I found myself in the Atlanta airport. The joint was absolutely packed with football fans heading to Miami for the big game. I knew this because many of them were already dressed in gameday gear. Some proudly displayed their affinity for Da Bears, while others sported Colts duds. Such fan support made me lament yet another missed opportunity to stride the ATL with pride in my Reggie Bush jersey. As it was, I wore nothing that suggested either my Saints loyalty or my subsequent hardcore support for an AFC victory. Maybe next time!

A few fans even donned shirts that celebrated both teams equally. I figured those people could have saved their money by scrawling, "TEAM" in black marker across a white undershirt. I suppose these are the same people who always wish "best of luck to all teams." What's that all about, anyway? No one ever says, "Best of luck to all countries fighting in this war." But I digress.

While taking a ride in the tram, my eyes gravitated to a beautiful woman dressed to the nines (or, should I say, eights?) in Bears regalia. She stood out like a Belle Swerski among the Tank Johnsons flanking her. She shot me a sweet smile, then returned to the Superfan boasting going on around her. As they all talked their trash about Chicago's God-given birthright to the Lombardi Trophy, I made sure to grin, grunt and nod at the appropriate moments. After a minute or so, Belle Swerski made a remark and shot me her pretty eyes once again. The perfect moment. As our eyes locked, I spoke earnestly and straight from the heart:

"I'm a Saints fan!"

That stopped all the chatter. Belle Swerski made a blank look for a second, the kind someone makes when they realize they're telling a racist joke to a guy named Jamal. Then she toothed another winning smile and said, "I'm a Saints fan too...at least until they played my Bears! Woo!" She and her entourage then shared a laugh and exited the tram. Their absence revealed a grandmotherly woman sitting on the corner bench. This woman looked to have as much interest in football as Paris Hilton has with advanced quadratic equations. Which is why she came off so cool by calmly saying, "I'm from Indiana, so you can just about guess who I'm for."

To which I replied, "I'm from Louisiana, so I'm right there with you." And, indeed, I am.

Go Colts!!