Monday, November 26, 2007

I'm not a Patriot

The New England Patriots suck.

Not abilitywise, of course; they're still undefeated, even after Week 12. What sucks about them is who they are and why they represent anything that's wrong with the media and the world.

First, the team:

Tom Brady - Good-looking. Talented. Dates supermodels. Funny on Family Guy. What doesn't go right for this guy? I hardly ever hear or see one thing go wrong; he might as well be Jesus. What adversity has Tom ever had to overcome? His story is about as inspiring as George W. Bush's.

Bill Belichick - is there any less likable coach to go all the way? Last year was especially special. Sean Payton was coach of the year, and Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith made history at the Super Bowl. On the other hand, Belichick's stern glance, secretive demeanor (on Sunday he pulled Wes Welker away from an NBC interview as soon as a tough question was asked of him), distaste for the coaches' union and videotaping of other teams almost makes one wonder when Dick Cheney quit politics, got a toupee and went into coaching.

Randy Moss - He's Terrell Owens without the literary credits or the clean driving record.

Donte Stallworth - Just the latest of a long line of ex-New Orleans Saints who saved it for later.

Kevin Faulk - crushed every football team in my high school's district almost singlehandedly, including several times against my brother (leveling him at least once). Has played for Carencro High, LSU and New England, which means he's played only for ridiculously stacked teams that I frequently root against. His cousin Trev Faulk, on the other hand, is cool. I say that because I played with him in high school (though he was way bigger and way better than me. Ever seen Lucas? Practice footage of me trying to tackle Trev looks a lot like that.)

In 2001, shortly after 9/11, I wrote a satirical article titled, "Patriots to go to Super Bowl no matter what." Then they actually did, which took all of the humor out of it. Bastards.

The Patriots have won three of the last six Super Bowls. They're the Halliburton of the NFL. I don't think al-Qaida could beat them at this point (though a quagmire is possible).

But even more than the team itself, the sports media sucks for its coverage. They've officially jumped the shark. Yes, the team's good. Yes, some interesting human-interest pieces have come about. But I get tired of the "Are they Supermen?" type puff (blow?) pieces. At this rate, the media is one step away from writing Chuck Norris jokes: "Tom Brady doesn't play for the NFL. The NFL plays for him."

I could understand all of these articles if they were coming out now; 11-0 is hardly anything to sneeze at. But they've long predated any real show of greatness. The Saints started 7-0 in 1991 and 5-0 in 1993, but you didn't read anything like, "Is Bobby Hebert God's favorite player?" Whereas the anointment of the 2007 Pats began almost from Week One.

Watching the Patriots squeak by the Eagles, I saw a good football team. But I didn't see the greatest team in history. There was no invincible Tom Brady, or perfect Kevin Faulk, or uncatchable Randy Moss. Brady is right when he says the team has flaws and just finds ways to improve and/or work around them. And that's what they did Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles. Nothing more, nothing less.

So, please, media. Keep this in perspective. I know you will the first time they lose. Like with every other team.


Nick said...

I hate seeing thugs like Randy Moss succeed by being horrible teammates for every other team they previously played for. Also, the hitting a female cop with his car thing is still a big reason for my dislike of him.

I don't mind Brady, used to think of him as a poor-man's Joe Montana, not the fastest, strongest, etc., but the best. Looks like he may be better than Joe. But let's not forget, with that offensive line, he rarely gets touched.

Kevin Faulk's really never been more than a return man and third down back. Lawrence Maroney is clearly the better running back.

Donte Stallworth was always like Ricky Williams. Seemed to get injured just by a defender looking at him the wrong way.

The Patriots are doing something that the salary cap and free agency wasn't supposed to allow. They are running away with the vast majority of their games. I think they've scored at least 50 points in three of their games already.

DMH said...

This is the first time I've seen your blog, but I like it. I think all this talk about the Patriots being "Supermen" is a perfect illustration of how weak the NFL is this season. As you pointed out and as Brady himself pointed out - they are team that works around their faults and finds ways to improve.

On a purely collective talent level, they're a great team, but still a team that would've at least struggled in years past in the NFL. You have so many middling teams in the league that are hovering just at, under or above the .500 mark that the Patriots look like God's gift to football becasue they're just about (save for the Packers and Cowboys) the only team playing like actual pro-NFLers. I'm a Bears fan and that situation is a mess. My God, what happened to not just the Bears but the entire league in only a year's time? Is it just me or did last year have a lot more parity and was way more interesting? Anyways, cool blog. Keep it up. If you don't mind, I'm going to link to you over at my site.

Anonymous said...

I hope the Patriots run the table so Mercury Morris will have to shut up.