Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Failures to communicate

--What is with this supposedly new footage of the Loch Ness Monster? Weren't all those old photos revealed as a hoax several years ago? Anyway, I'm pretty sure oceanographers covered every square inch of the Loch with advanced sensory equipment and found nothing more exciting than water and fish. But, I guess people can't live without their myths. Which is why science is so out of vogue these days.

--Paris Hilton and Scooter Libby have both been sentenced to prison. But I'm sure you know all about Paris' term: why she's going, where she's going to be, for how long, the exact dimensions of the furniture in her cell, etc. CNN is in a sad state these days when, during eight hours in a newsroom, all one can see on the screen is Paris Hilton, Nancy Grace, Paris Hilton, the Loch Ness Monster and Paris Hilton again. Come on! Scooter Libby just got sentenced to 30 months in prison! Does that mean nothing?!! Maybe if they put him in Paris' cell, public interest would be piqued. But even then, it'd be for the wrong reason.

--Do Jews and Muslims christen ships? Come to think of it, why does anyone still do that? "This is a great ship! You know what it needs before its maiden voyage? Someone to smash a bottle of champagne against it!" No one does this for a car! The fragments would rip up the paint and slash the tires. And champagne? Great choice when operating heavy machinery! I once read that the champagne is a substitute for human blood. Awesome. That says a lot about our ability to end barbaric traditions.

--Talking paper. Yes, we now have talking paper. Are we entering some period of intense boredom among inventors? Let's hope the paper can tell us the cures for cancer and AIDS. Oh, wait, talking paper has a different purpose:

The team envisages that the technology could be used by advertisers, and in the future, it might even be employed for product packaging.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This is, quite possibly, the worst conceivable use for this product (though the most inevitable, I guess). Though created ostensibly for the purpose of promoting tourism, you just know this is eventually going to seep into less-prestigious advertising. Because what good is junk mail if it can't scream at you literally as well as figuratively?

"ONIONS THREE FOR 99 CENTS! GO NOW! HURRY! HURRY!"

"BE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK TO OWN THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND 9/11 COMMEMORATIVE COIN! THE TWIN TOWERS, CAST IN STERLING SILVER, FLIP UP FOR A SKYLINE 3-D EFFECT, OR DOWN IF YOU WANT A DIFFERENT SKYLINE EFFECT!" (*-Real item, more honest description)

No thanks. I like paper precisely because it's the one communicative medium that never feels the need to talk at me. Anyway, trees aren't supposed to hug you back.

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