Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Drive like the divine with the new Ten Commandments!

In what no doubt is the start of a new trend, the Catholic Church has sprung 10 new Ten Commandments on us. These new divine directives involve one's holy conduct behind the wheel.

1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbour in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

These are very sensible regulations that every driver of any faith would be wise to heed. In that sense they're like the real Ten Commandments. Except that they all have secular wisdom, as opposed to about half of the real ones.

The Vatican has spoken its peace. Let the centuries of roadside bloodshed caused by differing interpretations begin!

For one, I have a feeling these will not fly with our religious right. They don't seem to cover all the bases of pious American motoring. No doubt that you'll see amendments like these being pushed on The 700 Club very soon:

1) Thou shalt adorn thy car with as much tacky Jesus kitsch as physics permit.
2) Thou shalt not kill with thine auto, lest you make irony of thine pro-life bumper stickers.
3) God shall always be thine co-pilot. Drive like He means it.
4) Thou must inform fellow motorists that, in case of Rapture, thine vehicle shall be unmanned.
5) Thou shalt adorn a "Real men love Jesus" decal to remind gays that they're going to Hell.
6) Thou shalt Focus on the Family...but even more so on the road in front of thou.
7) Thou shalt always stay to the right, both in politics and on the road.
8) Thou shalt always Stay the Course. Never yield to weakness, sin or stop signs.
9) Though this hath nothing to do with driving, keep abortionists on the brain.
10) If thine gets in an accident, blame it on thy ACLU. They made it happen.

Like all good religious folks, I believe in adhering to the basics. So now, I officially decree the Orthodox Ian version of the Ten Commandments of Driving:

1) Drive like you are the Lord God. Thou shalt have no other Gods before the SUV.
2) Thou shalt not make thyself an idle motor.
3) Thou shalt not take the name of the Ford in vain. Unless thou driveth a Chevy with thine Calvin decal depicting otherwise.
4) Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy with a slow, wandering drive.
5) OnStar thy Mother and Father.
6) Thou shalt not kill thine need for speed.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery in thy backseat.
8) Thou shalt not carjack.
9) Thou shalt not bear any false witness from devilish car dealers.
10) Though shalt not covet thy neighbor's car or wife. However, thou shalt feel free to ogle the bikini-clad model sitting on a souped-up Mustang on the cover of thine "Low-Rider" magazine.

Amen. Now hit the road.


Nick said...

"Thy shall spend 3 days in jail for sheer stupidity if thy causes an accident because thy was talking on the cell phone and changing CD's while trying to weave in and out of traffic like a dumbass."

I know it's really too long to be a commandment, but it needs to be said.

Ian McGibboney said...

It's good, though. Maybe we should also squeeze one in about Dale Earnhardt rising after 3 days. It makes sense.

Griff said...

lmao! This is brilliant. I laughed so hard, hahaha.