Saturday, May 26, 2007

Top 10 trends that deserve assisted suicide

1) Comically oversized sunglasses that anorexic-looking celebrities wear - think Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Victoria Beckham, Britney Spears, etc. (OK, maybe Britney is a bad example). It's not that I care that these overexposed women look like emaciated insects; but their perverse status as role models to American girls means that we may see a ton of this on our own streets for the next few years. And what guy wants to walk a college campus, worried that any of the girls standing next to him are going to bite him and cause him to itch? Well, probably a lot of guys, actually. Never mind.

2) Hipsters in bands who wear 400 tiny pins on their guitar strap or shoulder bag - I don't really get this one, not being a hipster who owns 400 pins, a guitar strap or a shoulder bag. But I saw it everywhere in Lafayette, and it always hit suddenly. Shouldn't it take time for someone to amass such a pin collection? Or do they all come bundled in the "Look at me! I'm Emo!" starter kit?

3) Elisabeth Hasselbeck - She makes Rosie O'Donnell look good. Not literally, obviously, but rhetorically. And that's hard to do. It's a testament to O'Donnell's obnoxiousness that Americans are sympathetic to Hasselbeck, despite Hasselbeck's repellent right-wing venom. Those two deserve each other. Not that I watch The View or anything. Honestly.

(And no, I'm not saying Elisabeth deserves anything bad to happen to her. I'm speaking strictly metaphorically to what she represents, i.e., the pampered princess who thinks it's just dandy that our president says "Jesus" a lot and starts wars so men can be men and liberals can be terrorists. That sort of thing.)

4) Bob Barker's retirement - I eventually accepted the passing of Peter Jennings, the retirements of Ted Koppel and Tom Brokaw and the coup against Dan Rather. But dammit, I may never get over Bob Barker quitting The Price is Right! He is one of the most watchable TV people of all time and, by my co-worker's personal account, every bit the cool, nice man everyone says he is. No one is going to replace him. But maybe he could replace Katie Couric on the CBS Evening News. Yeah!

5) "McDreamy" - All I know about this idiotic reference is that it applies to Patrick Dempsey's character in Grey's Anatomy for some reason. And why do I even know that much?

6) Women my age who act twice as old - not to be confused with women twice as old who act my age. They're awesome.

7) Over-corporatized policies - in Lafayette, there's a string of local coffee shops that do not allow photography inside. If you are caught taking pictures, even with a cell phone, a barista approaches you and tells you in no uncertain terms that you are a lousy person. And why is this, you ask? Because the walls are adorned with priceless art that would decay upon exposure to bright light, a la the Louvre? Because it disturbs other patrons? Because the flash would distract the actors on stage? No, no and no. The real reason - and this was told to me directly by a friend who worked there - was that the company did not want their logo to appear in any unauthorized pictures. In other words, they consider their sign appearing in a blurry shot of your friend to be an infringement of copyright or something. Or perhaps they're worried that, by being in the background, the company appears to endorse such unauthorized things as your smile.

The punch line to this story? The picture we were taking at the time was against a blank green wall! When I pointed this obvious fact out to the barista, she said it didn't matter. After all, rules was rules. Which is exactly what's wrong with America today: too many rules, too few licks of common sense.

8) The Roger Goodell-ization of the NFL - Paul Tagliabue he ain't. Discipline-happy copyright Nazi? Indeed. By the time Goodell's done, players won't be allowed to grin as they hold up the Lombardi Trophy. And all fans will be neuralized as they leave the stadium, lest they violate NFL copyright by talking about the game afterwards.

9) People who get engaged/married and vaporize off Planet Earth - I recently met a visiting friend of a friend who I found very interesting. She and I talked for quite a while. A few days later, our mutual friend and I were talking about her and I learned that she was engaged:

"Really?" I said.
"Yeah. Are you surprised?"
"Yeah, because she did not immediately bring it up and steer the entire conversation toward her fiance at every single opportunity. In fact, she never even hinted at it. It was like talking to a normal person!"

Actually, I was only thinking that. It's hard to talk when your jaw is on the floor.

10) Cutting others down for their tastes in music - For some reason, people really get on each other's nerves about different music tastes: "Ewww! I HATE that! How the hell can you listen to that crap?!!" This kind of disdain is typically reserved for shouting matches between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I say, who cares? As long as you aren't drowning out my car stereo with your bass, I don't give a damn what gives you an energy boost. In fact, let's make a deal: don't ridicule me for my preference of '80s New Wave, and I won't judge your taste for schmaltzy, repetitive, Bush-worshipping, mass-market "country." Cool? Cool.

All right, that's all for now. I could do this for years.


Leigh C. said...

Only Bob Barker coulda played himself the way he did in "Happy Gilmore". I for one am gonna miss him.

Nathan said...

Greatest guitar pin ever: the only pin my dad had on his guitar strap was what appeared to be, at first glance, to be a police badge. It was actually his Official Boston Licensed Musician Permit.

Anna D said...

I agree. The next person who tells me "YOU DONT LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE SLIPKNOT, ARE YOU THE DAUGHYTER OF SATAN?" may just get a slap in the head. Let me be! These people do not know I listen to Enya on the weekends.

Nathan said...

In relation to an older post: I saw the new signs for "Martin Luther King, Jr, Memorial Parkway" in Lafayette this weekend. They're a hideous purple color. Eww.