Friday, April 06, 2007

Musings on Dick, politics and colons

--Dick Cheney recently gave an interview with Rush Limbaugh. Somehow, the BBC thought this was worth quoting. My suggestion to the BBC is to hire a professional humorist if laughs are their aim.

--The online teaser for the above article was, "Cheney makes Iraq-al Qaeda link." My immediate thought was, "Took long enough!" But the actual headline was, "Cheney asserts Iraq-al Qaeda link." [Emphasis mine.] This reminds me of a BBC headline from about a week ago, "Bush attacks Iran over hostages." Note to the BBC: we have enough fear-mongering and linguistic double-takes in American commentary already. Feel no need to compete!

--A journalism magazine put out by my alma mater features an ad for a local talk-radio station. Said ad features prominent pictures of Moon Griffon ("The Voice of Louisiana"), Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. This can't possibly be helping the state's reputation.

--A tip for aspiring writers: judging by my most recent trip to the library, the easiest way to crack into publishing is to write a book about how the far right can secretly take over the United States and permanently implement its agenda. Extra filthy lucre can can be found by using the 2006 election as a pretext for why a conservative crackdown is more important than ever. In any case, make sure your flaps contain some combination of the phrase, "The book the Democrats / liberals / radical left / America-haters / latte drinkers / Prius drivers / terrorist-lovers don't want you to read." Finally, make sure your cover is black or blue and contains some combination of an eagle, a cross, camouflage, fire or blood. Voila! Instant bestseller. Pardon my French.

--Yesterday, a friend of mine (who is my age) sent out a message about a retro party, where she plans on dancing her "aging bones." I don't get it; I don't feel old. On the other hand, I've seen way too many people in their late 20s who look preternaturally 40. I guess you're only as old as you feel. Which is why I feel much younger and George W. Bush appears to age 10 years every six months.

--Last night, for only the second time in about two years, I was forced to shop at Wal-Mart. While waiting an excruciatingly long time in the express-lane line, I noticed a memo next to an empty register. It said, in part, "Do not throw away or take loose Wal-Mart bags. Bags are the company's number-one expense." Well, it certainly isn't the payroll.

--The Battlefield Mall...imagine the headlines if a shootout ever happened there...

--Sorry, let me try that again. The Battlefield Mall in Springfield is currently hosting a cancer-awareness event involving a giant inflatable colon. I wanted to walk through it, but too many people were doing so at the time I was there. I guess you could say the colon was constipated. Oh! [Rim-shot] From the back, it looked like a pumpkin with herpes. I hope the attraction didn't traumatize any of the kids who waited in line nearby to take pictures with the Easter Bunny.

--I had a dream last night that I captured Osama bin Laden. Which seems as likely a way for it to happen as anything else at this point.

--A riddle to clear your head: if a Hindu man calls his wife a cow, would that be a compliment?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's snowing in Louisiana. At least, north Louisiana, up where I am. Lafayette's getting sleet.