Monday, April 09, 2007

God! The radio! And diamonds!

--The creator of the comic strip B.C., Johnny Hart, died Saturday while working at his storyboard. Now I liked this strip, as I did his other strip, Wizard of Id. But B.C. became notorious for occasionally interspersing over-the-top Christian themes with its fat jokes and snake-bashing. This would especially occur during holidays; so it freaks me out that its creator died of a stroke on the day before Easter. In an even more cosmic twist, the Phelpses are still alive to picket his funeral. Almost enough to make you believe in a wrathful, vengeful God, huh?

--Speaking of a vengeful God, those lists that tell you to "add your name if you believe in God" have got to be a sign of the apocalypse. Forget traditional avenues of faith; this is how you show affection to God: a MySpace bulletin with 231 indistinguishable first names, with maybe three capital letters between them. Especially entertaining are comments some people leave with their names, such as:

143. your boy brandon Gross (man im likin dis its a great start the only thing is its its the first i saw it a min a go this is a great chain to pass a long. its not a guilt trip, or a threat its the God honest truth. its a chain worth passing along and i want my bulliton box filled wit the same thing. i got to see and experince a diffrent part of Gods earth this week. and while we were hicking and i was died trierd some one said 2 me i cant belive some people dont belive in God. well im not a acident nether is r world r U?)

81. Jean-Paul.....couldn't pass this one up.

73. J.L.B. - I am very proud to add my name! God Bless Everyone

Yes, when the apocalypse hits us, God is going to open up the BlackBerry of Life and say, "Welcome to heaven! You are truly a proud servant of My kingdom...uh...J.L.B.!"

These and other online petitions are flawed on their faces anyway, because they (to borrow a word from the heathens) evolve more and more with every sender. In other words, if you're name number 231 and you send it to 100 friends to get it signed, all 100 of them will be number 232 on separate lists. Well, more like all five who sign it, if you're lucky. The rest just straight up want to go to Hell.

--On the other hand, Alanis Morrissette has covered "My Humps." Maybe God has a sense of humor after all!

--The DJ on my local radio station just said that a song by "the greatest rock band in the world" is coming up. Well, just who is that? Seems like an awfully subjective thing to say on the radio. Anyway, I've never known them to play the Bay City Rollers. Guess there's a first time for everything...

--This station plays a lot of diamond commercials. They really play to men's senses of insecurity: "Show her you love her even more than on the day you were married," the announcer drawls as the world's most excited woman gasps in the background. Or is it asphyxiation? Which would accurately convey the sound of a suffocating 8-year-old diamond-mine slave in Africa.

Diamonds are the most overrated commodity in the world. They have no intrinsic value aside from being pretty and expensive. Their hard-wired popularity among women is a testament to the genius of marketing and the pressures of society. Their corrupt pricing system puts OPEC to shame, and their production methods aren't exactly union-approved.

But even before I knew most of that, I decided I would never seriously date or marry a woman who held them in such high regard. Why? Because, several years ago, I met a girl (who was maybe 20) who had recently become engaged. She said that her grandmother was against the marriage because--swear to God--the engagement ring was too small! "She said if he really loved me, he'd have bought me a bigger diamond," she said as she flashed a ring that could have dented RoboCop's armor. "And I'm starting to think she's right."

Wonder what their plans are for their sixth anniversary...assuming he hasn't killed her yet...

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