Thursday, January 04, 2007

2007: The Year in Review So Far

--George W. Bush is soon expected to announce a surge in U.S. troops to Baghdad in an attempt to contain Iraqi oil, er, turmoil.

--Democrat Nancy Pelosi makes feminist history today, ironically enough, by proving a woman's place is in the House.

--Iraqi officials announced that they arrested the person responsible for leaked cell-phone footage of Saddam Hussein's execution. So that's where Donald Rumsfeld's been!

--Former president Gerald Ford was laid to rest Wednesday. He is the second Ford of note to be buried in Michigan, after the Ford Motor Company.

--Wal-Mart has announced plans to restructure workers' schedules based on the number of shoppers, rather than on static shifts. The new system would require more flexibility from Wal-Mart employees, in accordance with their new motto: "Be ready to work. Always."

--A 14-year-old British boy became the youngest-ever person to sail solo across the Atlantic Ocean. Most 14-year-old boys are too busy sailing solo in other ways to even think about this.

--Jessica Simpson ushered in 2007 with musician John Mayer, with whom she was seen making out in New York City. Mayer later said that Jessica's kisses "tasted like chicken...or was it tuna?"

--Britney Spears reportedly fainted in Las Vegas shortly after ringing in the new year. Spears' publicists blamed exhaustion for her collapse, as if K-Fed, Paris Hilton and Crossroads had nothing to do with it.

--Miami Dolphins head coach Nick Saban announced Wednesday that he has left the NFL to lead the Alabama Crimson Tide. Under his new contract, Saban will receive $30 million over eight years; this makes him the highest-paid college coach ever, though it puts him only ninth among college players.

--A mysterious metallic rock tore through a house in Freehold Township, N.J. Tuesday night. Experts are baffled by the discovery, declaring it one of the least harmful things ever found in New Jersey air.

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