Friday, October 06, 2006

Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: God

My inbox occasionally gets clogged with pseudo-sappy tripe such as the story below. And while I understand it's supposed to be heartwarming, I'm going to tear into it anyway. Because I'm that cynical. And it's just that bad.


You'll see that this title has exactly zero to do with anything that follows it.

Body: A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

She clearly has some very good friends, if they'll make their 17-year-old friend walk home alone late at night. I'm assuming this is late at night, though these might be the kind of teenagers who have 8 p.m. curfews and will be beaten with a switch if they they don't obey.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.

Maybe she should have just stuck to the sidewalk?

When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it.

And what teenage girl wouldn't take the alley to shave a few seconds off her trek?

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

And not wanting to take a chance, she immediately turned around and hightailed it back to the elm trees. Better safe than sorry, right?

She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection.

Well, apparently not.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.

Which is exactly the feeling you want when you're a young girl alone in an alley with a suspicious-looking man!

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

Huh? If that had any more of a plot hole, it would be a Bible story.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Apparently that spiritual security blanket was only big enough for one foolish teenager.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.

But was she weeping because of the rape, or because she was happy it wasn't her?

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.

No need to be proactive about these things...wait until the horses have escaped to close the barn door!

She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.

And they all found Jesus. At least that's whose name they said as they slapped their heads.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him.

Why wouldn't she be willing? She's clearly willing to do just about anything, except for walking down well-lit streets...

She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.

Must've been one well-lit alley, in which case I wonder why a rapist would see fit to hide there.

When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.

Because that's what criminals always do in Christian fantasies; they don't exhibit blank expressions, or demand to talk to counsel...they break down at the first sign of accusation. Or maybe he was finding God! Yeah!

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.

Where does bravery come in? Taking stupid risks is naive and foolish, not brave.

She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."

Awww....isn't that sickly sweet? God sent not one, but two men to stride Reservoir Dogs-style abreast this stupid girl! To quote Monty Python, "Three Christs looks great! The fat one balances out the two skinny ones!"

But God couldn't spare even one for the next victim of this alluring alley? Did that girl not pray hard enough?

Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98% of teenagers will not stand up for God?

What is this obsession with standing up for God? In e-mails like this, "standing up for God" generally means you must either risk getting mugged or get shot in the face by athiest school bullies. Personally, I've always believed in doing whatever doesn't get you shot. I'm sure God would understand.

Repost this as Love vs. Sex if you truly believe in God..,

Why? It should be called, God vs. Accountability

PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what.....and if u stand up 4 him u would repost this

90% wont repost

But I will. Just to show everyone why this shouldn't be reposted.

I'm concerned that an impressionable young girl will read this and throw caution to the wind, because they'll think all they need to do is pray and the boogeyman will hallucinate and leave them alone. Advice for any young girls who are reading this: THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. EVER! Chances are, any rapist who sees things that aren't there is being told by said phantoms to rape you in the first place!

For what it's worth, I believe in the rowboat-and-helicopter model of spiritual guidance. The greatest gifts any human possesses are common sense and the fight-or-flight response. Use them!


Mustang Bobby said...

I too have a problem with this "Stand up for God" thing. You'd think that any supernatural being that can create a universe in six days wouldn't need humans to stand up for him... and, by the way, WTF does God need the ego-boost anyway. You'd think that if you're all-knowing, all-seeing, all-mighty, and immortal, if your self-esteem is so crappy that you need constant worship, you've got some issues.

Donnie McDaniel said...

I do hate those forwarded emails! I get them from my ex-wife and it just makes me want to explode. The best ones are the ones that make claim to some group that is trying to pass a law to take away their rights as christians.

They get all puffed up and the mails fly! But in it, there is never a name of a person or group as proof of this claim.

Ian McGibboney said...

My favorite was the one that I got in 2004 claiming that Madalyn Murray O'Hair was up to some new anti-Christian crusade, when she'd been dead since 1995. And, after looking on, I discovered that the e-mail was actually a direct-mail campaign from 1975! It circulates from time to time among the religious right. AWESOME.

Cajun Tiger said...

99.9% of the time when I'm forwarded anything I hit delete. This same type story is "told" but instead of a girl in an alley it is a missionary in africa whose vehicle broke down and had to walk through a hostile area known for robbing and killing but he made it through safe. Later someone in the tribe saw him and told of the story that they were planning to ambush him but then all of a sudden two very big men were walking with him so they left him alone.

I do believe that God can do anything He wants and that something exactly like happened in this "story" could happen, but I hate that people make up stories to try and get a reaction from people instead of living their lives in such a way that their actions speak way louder than their words ever could.