Tuesday, September 26, 2006

LOL: Leave Our Language!

Rule #32 in an ongoing series

Can we please stop with this "LOL" crap? Sure, we all wish it were still 2000; but we need to let go of this creaky bit of Internet jargon. It's like a pair of briefs; they may be comfortable, but you still need to change them once in a while to avoid serious chafing.

For one thing, "LOL" is too easy to say, a pat answer for the digital age. It keeps chatters from really having to think about anything. And no one ever objects, because we all like to think we're making others titter. But frankly, very few things spoken in a chat room are laugh-out-loud funny; that’s why we have Family Guy, kiddies.

Anyway, we know all you LOLLipops are lying. You're not actually laughing out loud! If you really were "laughing out loud," you wouldn't be typing L-O-L, because you'd be too busy actually laughing out loud! Get it?

Because I rarely laugh out loud during instant-messenging, I don't use "LOL." Instead, I type "ha ha," which takes even more effort than "LOL." But I have the extra energy, because I'm not laughing out loud when I type it. I'm laughing on the inside, like when I read "Ziggy."

Some people really kick out the jams with their "LOL" use, as if to convey that what they’re saying is super-de-duper funny. You’ve no doubt seen this in action:

LOL I had no idea how much trouble Stef’s mom got into with the law when she got drunk and drove her kids to the drug dealers house LOL! She said she forgot the kids were in the trunk LOL! But the cops threw her in prison LOL where she spent the night trying not to drop the soap in the shower LOL LOL LOL!!

Who laughs that much over one thought? I figure that real laughter would at least span throughout the sentence, instead of hiccuping through it. Assuming it's even a funny phrase in the first place, which it probably isn't.

Some people have completely given up on earning their LOLs. These people use it as punctuation, rather than as a tag for something actually humorous. I once actually received an e-mail that said this:

"Cletus and I are getting married on July 28, so mark your calendars. LOL."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...gasp...HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...wait, wait..."Mark your calendars!" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Make it stop before I bust a gut! Before the Internet, we had to rely on professional comedians like Larry the Cable Guy to lower the bar. Maybe instead of "GIT-R-DONE," he could just say "MARK-R-CALENDARS!" Hell, they’re both equally (un)funny catchphrases.

Another issue with "LOL" is that it's spawned a subculture of offshoot terms. Sort of a LOL-litter. Stuff like "lolz," "roffle" and "lollerskates." Virtually all of these terms take more effort to type than the words they abbreviate, further proof that everyone likes being dumb.

Others justifiably find the "LOL" zinger to be inadequate. So they express their lollitude in creative ways that say, "I'm no LOL zombie! I’m an individual, dammit!" Some of these terms include, but are not limited to: "LOOOL"; "LOOOOOOL"; and (if something's really, truly, calendar-marking hilarious), "LOOOOOOOOOOOOL." And nothing’s better for your ego than knowing you’ve made someone Laugh Out Out Out Out Out Out Out Out Out Out Out Out Loud. Roffle!

"Laughing Out Loud" should be used only in its proper reference, as the title of a Wallflowers song from 1996. A song, ironically enough, that isn’t funny. Just like you! Ha ha!

(Note: The first person to respond to this with "LOL" will be shot with Dick Cheney’s hunting rifle.)

1 comment:

Pondering American said...

LOL that was a great post. IMHO.