WASHINGTON (PIMP)--In response to the recently thwarted terrorist plot in the United Kingdom, airlines across America have banned all passengers from carrying on liquids or liquid-based products. These include all beverages, lotions, hair sprays, eye drops and even lipstick. But in a late-breaking development, Homeland Security has expanded the alert to include the wettest items of all: human beings.
"The human body typically ranges from 55 to 70 percent water," Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said Thursday. "They are thus highly volatile catalysts for liquid-based bombs. Humans are incredibly efficient at secreting liquids in the form of sweat, tears, spit and urine. For decades, we’ve neglected the threat that these humors provide, and in fact airlines have even abetted such spills by providing personal bags for release of gastric acids. It's time to crack down on the human menace."
In addition to the threat posed by personal effluence, Chertoff cited a litany of chemical elements contained within the human body with harmful potential, including carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur.
"When people refer to themselves as 'ticking time-bombs,' they're more right than they know," Chertoff continued. "Combine that with the general stress involved in the flight process, and it adds up to peril."
Homeland Security is also investigating other dangerous human attributes. While agents have long known about the drug-smuggling potential of various orifices, they are now focusing upon previously overlooked dangers.
"Reports indicate that the 9/11 hijackers used hand-held letter-openers and similar sharp objects," Chertoff said. "Because of their portability and versatility, hands are the single most dangerous appendage on a terrorist. We simply cannot take chances by continuing to allow hands on planes.
"And then there’s the biggest liability of all," he continued. "The brain is where all terrorist plots come together, and is the source of other flight bugaboos such as hysteria, motion sickness and flight-attendant harassment," Chertoff continued. "Why we've allowed such a deadly weapon in our airplanes for so long is puzzling indeed. As of today, all passengers will be forbidden to bring their brains on flights.
"In essence, human beings are responsible for 100 percent of in-flight terrorist activity," Chertoff concluded. "Banning them from coming aboard the plane significantly reduces the chance of a disastrous voyage."
In addition to human beings and liquid, a variety of items are now banned on commercial aircraft. These include, but are not limited to: seat belts, because of their ability to strangle; seat cushions, lest terrorists attempt to escape to high seas; magazines and video screens, because of their distracting qualities; steering controls and gauges, because they allow terrorists to control the aircraft; aisles, due to their easy-access route to the cockpit; life jackets, because of their ability to blow up; pillows, because we cannot afford to be soft on terror; and oxygen, due to its highly combustible qualities. Crashing a plane into the ocean will now incur a heavy fine. And, in light of recent cinematic developments, snakes are definitely not allowed on a plane.
The ban on carry-on liquids is expected to remain and, if successful, will eventually cover liquid-crystal watches, any movies with "water" in the title, Magic 8-Balls and jet fuel. For safety's sake, restrooms will no longer have water or chemical solvents in the toilet. Some airlines have already announced plans to remove restrooms altogether and replace them with up to 24 coach-class seats.
"Terrorists are always one step ahead of us," Chertoff remarked. "If we ban one substance, they'll find a way to fashion an explosive with another. The key is to ban as many elements as possible. We're currently looking into blueprints to build a stone plane, to eliminate the effects of collisions. We're also exploring the merits of an all-uranium plane, because radioactivity weakens evildoers. I saw that in an issue of Captain America."
Aviation experts are also researching ways of removing potential nuclear threats from existing aircraft, such as atoms. "That might take some time," Chertoff admitted.
Airports nationwide are accommodating the latest terror-alert upgrade by effecting certain operative changes. Starting Monday, they will no longer offer video listings of flights. Under the new "Listen Up!" system, passengers will be told only one time where they are flying and when. This is expected to curb terrorists' abilities to know where they are going. Screens currently allotted for this purpose will now air a 24-hour feed of Fox News.
Even flight schools are being shut down. "We cannot afford the terrorists the chance to learn flight in a professional capacity," Chertoff said, advising all prospective pilots to "apprentice with an established pilot. Network, network, network! Or better yet, join the military. They need every warm body they can get."
These changes affect even Air Force One. Under the new, tighter regulations, George W. Bush and his staff will no longer be able to carry onboard the nuclear briefcase, a.k.a. "the football." Said a top official, "This is a good idea, regardless of terrorist risk."
Because the new regulations will also apply to pilots, all planes will come supplied with fully functional automatic pilots. Even without humans or cargo, planes will continue to fly regularly. In anticipation of the profit loss caused by such a ruling, Congress has appropriated $300 billion to the major airlines to finance the automated flights.
Chertoff calls the sweeping changes a victory for American security. "After the British successfully thwarted a suicide mission through existing security measures, we assumed that we needed even tougher rules," he said. "These complete bans are the logical extensions of the Bush administration’s previous changes. It was only a matter of time before we banned absolutely everything aboard an airplane. By doing all this, we’re telling the terrorists that they’ll never disrupt our lives."