Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Dumb developments, developed dumb


--A flight from London to Washington was diverted by fighter jets Wednesday after a 59-year-old woman allegedly suffered a fit of claustrophobia. She had brought matches and cold cream onto the plane, resulting in her arrest for lamest terrorist act ever.

--Newly released tapes of emergency calls made during the 9/11 aftermath reveal what one reporter described as, "communication confusion." The tapes are particularly notable for an 18-minute gap of silence as George W. Bush just sat there!

--President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran has made waves worldwide with his new personal blog. Though the blog is available in several languages, love is not one of them.

--The International Astronomical Union announced that a new reclassification of the solar system would recognize a total of 12 planets. This change would serve the dual purpose of making humans feel even more insignificant while giving the Bush administration three more chances to deny global warming.

--A suspect in the 1996 murder of JonBenet Ramsey was apprehended Wednesday. The arrest went smoothly, given that Patsy Ramsey died two months ago.

--Three Mexican fishermen were rescued in the faraway Marshall Islands after spending an alleged nine months adrift in a broken motorboat. Their voyage was verified by three Minutemen in another boat who pushed them the whole way.

--Federal agents arrested a major Mexican drug kingpin Wednesday, while he was deep-sea fishing off the coast of Baja California. He was charged with not being adrift in a motorboat for nine months.

--A judge in Ohio ruled that two high-school athletes will be allowed to play football before serving 60-day sentences for causing a car accident with a fake deer. The judge said that the ruling will teach them a lesson about athletes in the real world.

--Snakes on a Plane, the new Samuel L. Jackson thriller out today, is expected to post huge box-office figures. Talks are already under way for an even scarier sequel, Cold Cream on a Plane.

1 comment:

Cajun Tiger said...

Dude...she urinated on the floor...that's a biological weapon in my book!!! New TSA action will require all bathrooms to be removed from airplanes so this weapon can't be discharged ever again on a plane.

I'd much rather Bush sit there for 18 minutes and not freak everyone out while his staff was gathering information to inform him what was happening than he sit at a table in shock unable to move like Kerry did.