Sunday, May 28, 2006


Rule #14: 4:55 Shadow

If you want someone to accompany you somewhere, give them more than five minutes' notice. This isn't a rule with major political or cultural relevance, but its enforcement would at least give me time to shave.

Rule #15: Yakety Crack

Cell phones should be at least as hard to get as U.S. citizenship for a Mexican. At least 90 percent of people who own a cell phone DO NOT NEED ONE. All cell phones have done is give most people the false illusion that people actually want to talk to them. Even worse, the few who do need phones (and don't have them) are out of luck because life has come to revolve around ridiculously instant communication. At what point did it become too much for people to wait five minutes to talk to another person? At least watch yourself fly off the road while you're telling me what couldn't have waited!

Another sad side-effect of cellularism is the decline of social etiquette; not the uptight salad-fork kind, but the kind that allows us not to tear each other's heads off. Cell phone etiquette should be the same as that of land-based phones. If you're going to call me to inform me you're coming over, you should at least do it at some point before you're riding down my street.

Another idea is to make cell phones as clunky as their older counterparts. Part of the problem with cell phones is that they're so streamlined and technologically advanced that they fit seamlessly into a pocket or purse. Because of this, people forget they have them and/or it makes it difficult for users to find and silence them during church or the poker raid. Also, headsets have added a new, terrifying dimension to human discourse. If someone deigns to carry around a phone, then they should carry a real capital-P phone so that at least we know what's up. Then I can stop talking to the girl next to me as if she actually desires my interaction.

Rule #16: Blue Laws Blow

Sunday is just another day. Hey, I'm all for days of rest; but I think that if someone chooses to spend that day in the company of friends and good wine, they should be able to purchase some at the store. The way I see it, blue laws are due for a trip to Defunct Land. We no longer have Jim Crow, so why can't we have Jim Beam?

And just so you know, this isn't a self-interest thing for me; I don't drink and I rest whenever I please (even when my passengers object). But blue laws are arcane and don't do much of anything, other than to pacify the kind of people who think we should just shut our eyes to make The Da Vinci Code go away. Ech. Those people need a drink.

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Speechie said...

Directed at anyone in particular?

Also, had some interesting conversations with yourself lately? (while assuming you were talking to someone else, of course)

Becky said...

Shouldn't have posted that with a link to the previous rules. I was not so nice back there. Oops.

Wait, who am I talking to? Is there anybody out there?