Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Rockin' Rules

Rule #17: Nix the 'Tine

We must all accept that tobacco is not healthy. It doesn't matter if your cigarettes are light, low-tar, menthol, toasted, all-natural or hand-rolled by genuine Cuban conveyor belts--they will still kill you. Cigarettes are combustible cylinders designed to deliver tar and nicotine to your junkie lungs, along with thousands of cancer-causing agents that would give Erin Brockovich carcinoma through osmosis. So don't be fooled by the more expensive brands; buy GPC cigarettes and use the money you save on a cool Marlboro coffin.

And sorry, but chewing tobacco is just as bad. If you ingest a product that contains fiberglass and is dangerous for you to swallow, then chances are you aren't saving too many years of your life.

Rule #17b: Every cloud has a black lining

Yes, secondhand smoke kills. Study after study after study proves this. A lot of smokers will call it crap, even as they themselves have to roll down their windows to let out all of the smoke that's suffocating them. But even in the inevitable case that Big Tobacco-sponsored scientists discover that secondhand smoke doesn't kill, I'm still against it. Why? Because it's nasty, rude, repugnant and it makes me smell like every choice I never made. And that's enough for me.

Rule #18: GED-R-Done

Stop celebrating stupid. As Americans, we talk a lot about our failing education system and general apathy among our young people. Then we tell them to move out of the way because they're blocking our view of Larry the Cable Guy. Why should kids give a damn about finishing school when we teach them that all they have to do to amass a fortune is "Git-R-Done?" Between the cruel manipulation that is reality TV and the inspiring success story that is George W. Bush, we aren't exactly instilling a strong ethic of educational merit, are we?

The very same people who crow that we have to raise standards before anyone will get off their asses to make themselves better have no qualms about celebrating white trash, rednecks, hicks, gangstas, racists, misogynists, dropouts and anti-intellectuals. Satire is one thing; taking it seriously is entirely another. Perhaps this lowbrow pop-culture approach is a bad idea and we should upgrade it to something that would make knowledge actually worthwhile.

Few sights are sadder than a brainy college student who has to act tough and dumb among their peers just to fit in with some ridiculous concept of cool. We need to stop accepting this as the norm and take a stand. After all, being a smartass is much cooler than being a dumbass, right? So why are smart people so damn stupid when it comes to promoting themselves? Git-R-Done, dammit!

Rule #18b: Trash Compactor

Stop using the term "white trash." It's one word too long.

Rule #19: Payroll Stubble

Stop praising the New York Yankees for their professionalism just because all of their players have to trim their hair and shave. That isn't professionalism; that's what happens when a powerful and intimidating owner forks over a check larger than the combined GNP of the 30 smallest nations. So let's all stop pretending that such sartorial concerns are about anything other than payday. They'd all play just as well with Charles Manson hairdos; and if that's what George Steinbrenner demanded, every Yankee would be waiting in line to have swastikas carved into their unibrows. This is true of workplaces in general, because those with the money ultimately wield all the power, and can ask of their employees pretty much anything they want. The least we can do is admit that this is the motivation for 90-plus percent of our decisions.

Rule #20: Platinum blonde

The only time "Paris Hilton" and "reggae album" should ever appear in a sentence together is when they are in a sentence such as, "Paris Hilton bought a reggae album."

Rules archive


The leftist southpaw said...

I must take exception with rule 19. That has been a Yankee tradition for decades, through rich times and poor times, winning seasons and losing seasons.

It's not always about the money. Some people thought Damon would not cut his hair just to play for the yanks. They were wrong. I believe there isn't a player out there who wouldn't cut off his left testicle for the chance to wear the pinstripes!

Ian McGibboney said...

Well, Thurman Munson and Don Mattingly seemed to do just fine without it.

Also, I'm not much for tradition, if you haven't noticed. Traditions get started because somebody tried something new decades ago. I fear we're losing that spirit in this country.

Also, I resent any team that tries (and is able to) buy a championship. That isn't in the spirit of the great Yankee teams of old.

Speechie said...

Speechie's rule #1 (in response to rule #20): Stop the spread of disease.
Just because Paris Hilton did another notoriously stupid thing is no reason to punish the rest of us by posting her hideously disgusting photograph on the blogosphere.

Rule #19: Traditions are stupid.
Who cares what traditions the Yankees amass when baseball isn't even a real American tradition anyway? PS-- Mormons started funny haircuts and shaves long before the Yankees and Mormons don't get paid to look that way. They just do it.

Rule #17: Clear the air.
Huzzah Huzzah Huzzah for McGibboney! Of course, if I'm forced to inhale any more second hand smoke, I might instead be saying huzghaghagha...
You know, the other day a middle aged woman was smoking next to me on a bench and when I asked her to please aim her exhalation away from me I was met with a cloud of smoke in my face, instructions to mind my own business, and an invitation for her to put it out where the sun doesn't shine. Although I didn't do it, I really wanted to lift up the end of the bench and send her butt, both of them actually, sprawling across the pavement.
I'm a proponent of doing whatever you please as long as it doesn't interfere with other people's safety or comfort. So smokers of the world smoke away!!! But remember that I'm going to start carrying around a pair of scissors...and if you smoke near me I will pull them out and clip off the end of yor cigaratte faster than you can ask for a light.

Rule #18: Brainiacs unite.
I have often been the victim of ridicule because I choose not to act stupid like everyone else I know. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, and I don't use the idiot's guide to the English language (I use American Heritage). Does that really make me unworthy of friends? Oh of course, no matter how smart and sophisticated I am, I still get called "white trash." Interesting.

The leftist southpaw said...

the Yankees do not "buy" championships." they play 162 games like everyone else. They do have a higher payroll, but money is no guarantee of success. Teams with high payrolls can still tank (see 2001-2003 Mets) and teams with low payrolls can win (2003 Marlins, etc.)

No one accused Arizonia of "buying" a chmpionship, or the Red Sox, when all those teams did was go out and sign high priced players who delivered. Look at the Red Sox stars in 2004- Schilling, Foulke, Ortiz, Ramirez- all hired guns.

How many home grown players were on the 2004 Red Sox? I can think of a few- Veritek and Lowe (and Trot Nixon, who saw all of 150 At Bats that year)

How many home grown players on the recent yankee title teams? Pettitte, Rivera, Jeter, Williams, Posada.

Shoot, look at todays yanks. Canno, Jeter, Posada, Williams, Wang, Rivera, and Matsui are all home grown. How many other teams in the league have 7 home grown regulars?

Like it or not, the Yankees did earn those titles.

Speechie said...

And the PIMP becomes home to endless, meaningless sports drivel.

Ian McGibboney said...

Sure the Yankees play 162 games just like everybody else. But I have to go with Yankee fan Bob Costas: if MLB doesn't introduce parity like the NFL, then you might as well have a Major League with nine or 10 teams and a smaller-market league with every other team. College and high-school teams are divided by resource pools, so why not pro baseball?

And I agree that you can't outright buy a championship: the New Orleans Saints (highest payroll) are shining proof of that. But then, that's the beauty of the NFL: you really never know each year.