Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Even more rules we need

Rule #7: Call waiting for a point

Don't call me if you have absolutely nothing to say. I'm not sitting by the phone wondering what your cats are doing; I also don't want to hear running commentary on your shoe shopping. You may feel super-cool when you spend an entire afternoon at the mall with your ear glued to the phone, but four out of five cashiers agree: you're a self-centered prick. It's so pointless anyway; if I wanted to hear vapid banter about absolutely nothing, I'd listen to George W. Bush.

Rule #8: Short attention slam

Stop hiding behind ADHD, which is a very real and very specific medical condition. If your doctor hasn't told you that you have ADHD, you don't have it; you're just bored by anything that takes more than three seconds to digest. Take two MTV2 videos and call me in the morning, or whenever it is you wake up. Hope this rule wasn't too long.

Rule #8b: Hypo-CON-dria

You don't need drugs, they need you. The pharmaceutical industry began advertising medications to the general public because they realized the real money was in making people think they were sick. Lethargic? Drink some water, eat a banana and take a walk outside. Not getting hard? Stop smoking and relax! Depressed? Talk to somebody and see if a natural remedy is right for you!

Rule #9: Shooting up the bestseller list


You don't get to make a career out of the fact that you shot someone in the face. Since her release from prison in 1999, Amy Fisher has become an acclaimed columnist and author, and of late has been a fixture on TV. And while I'm all for personal redemption, stories like Amy's frustrate those of us who are trying to become successful writers in time-honored ways--like blackmailing and executing backroom deals.

If we continue to celebrate the drastically misguided actions of drugged-up adulterous hotheads, what kind of nation will America become? Tune in at 11 to find out!

Rule #10: World's Greatest Grandiosity

No more self-serving superlatives. No one has the right to brag about having the best-looking spouse, the cutest kids, the perfect house or the greatest parents in the world. Things like that are subjective, which is why there's no "World's Cutest Baby" category in the Guinness Book of Records (there is such a competition currently going on where I live, and that alone should tell you how wrong it is). If who you love and what you have are perfect for you, then that should be enough of a reward. Your family deserves better than to be treated as mere trophies.

Anyway, if your girlfriend really was the best-looking and smartest person in the world, she'd be divorcing Brad Pitt, not hanging with your smug ass.

Rules 4-6
Rules 1-3

2 comments:

a rose is a rose said...

i am RIGHT with you especially on rule #9. if i have the tv on around dinnertime or shortly thereafter (you know the types of shows i'm speaking about) ms fisher is ALL over like scheist. she shot someone in the head. she dserves NO television time. if she indeed was sorry she would NOT have her face plastered all over.

Speechie said...

oy...Amy Fisher...she gives Amys a bad name. Someone needs to put her in a mental institution. Besides, how did she write about what happened to her is she has as much memory loss as she says she does??? Hmmmmm...seems fishy, which apparently is the perfect word to describe her.

I'm also sick of people who say they have the best "whatever" in the whole wide world...those people are usually just trying to hide all of the things that are so terribly wrong with their relationships. I, for one, would never say that I have the perfect mom, brother, father (especially), boyfriend, sister, or best friend...because none of them are by any means perfect...not even close...and I think I'm mad at at least one of them every day for something stupid or mean they've done or said. That is perhaps, if you couldn't tell already, one of my biggest peeves.

I agree with the short attention span thing. I hate it when people say that things are wrong with them when it hasn't been medically asserted. Especially because some things, like ADD, ADHD, and Dyslexia are so overused as excuses for behavior and mistakes that it makes it harder for people who actually have those problems to be taken seriously.

I...am a phone call idiot. But not because I'm self-centered. I talk on the phone when I'm in a store usually because it's the only time I have to talk at all. Although I do always put it down when I go through checkout, and if I can't, I go to self-check. I know I always hated people doing that to me when I was a cashier so I try to be respectful.

What do you mean we don't need the drugs??? OF COURSE WE DO!!! It's the only way to get deluded enough to forget that George W. Bush and his cabinet full of cronies exists!!!! LOL...j/k. I know what you mean about that. I had this doctor once who seriously thought I needed every drug on the planet to be healthy. Oy vey! All I needed was amoxicillan...he kept me sick for two months trying out all these different things and deciding that a million things were wrong with me...and it was only a sinus infection--just like I told him from the start.

I say...

No to drugs.

So when can we expect to see your book, Mr. Reporter/Columnist/Political Wit Guy???