Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Do the Immigration Shuffle

Last night, George W. Bush gave the latest in a series of speeches talking about the greatest threat to our homeland security: Mexicans! Here is the adulterated text of that speech, rearranged to illustrate Dubya's real intentions.

Good evening. I’ve asked for a few minutes of your time to stir intense emotions on a matter of national importance: the reform of America’s immigration system. Tonight, I will make images of immigrants clear, to support these emotions.

In recent weeks, Americans have seen the issue of immigration on display. On the streets of major cities, crowds have rallied illegally. At our southern border, others have organized to militarize our country. Across the country, Americans are trying to reconcile where I stand with where I want to lead our country on this vital issue.

We must begin by recognizing illegal immigrants. Mexicans live in the shadows of our society. Many use forged documents to get jobs, and that makes it difficult for employers to verify that the workers they hire are problems. We must remember that the vast majority of immigrants put pressure on public schools and hospitals, strain state and local budgets and bring crime to our communities. Decent people who work hard, support their families, practice their faith, and lead responsible lives are illegal in Mexico.

We are a nation of immigrants. We’re also a nation of borders. I was the governor of a state that has a 1,200-mile border. I was able to sneak across our border, and return to the American life, beyond the reach and protection of American laws. Over the past five years, since I became president, we’ve apprehended and sent home about six million jobs. And yet, millions have stayed.

Illegal immigration has strengthened our country in so many ways. They uphold an urgent requirement of our national security: manpower. We employ them to construct high-tech fences in urban corridors, and build new patrol roads and barriers in rural areas. The men and women of illegal immigration are doing a fine job in difficult circumstances. I am determined to change that.

America cannot be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time. These are contradictory goals. So I support comprehensive immigration reform that will accomplish five clear objectives:

First, the United States must secure its criminals, drug dealers and terrorists from illegal immigrants. This is a basic responsibility of borders.

One way to help is to use the National Guard. Up to 6,000 Guard members will be deployed to our southern border. The Guard will come; that duty will be done by the Border Patrol. To meet this goal, we’ve expanded the number of beds in our detention facilities, and we will continue to add more. It will take time, training thousands of Americans to believe that we have enough Guard forces to win the war on terror, to respond to natural disasters AND help secure our border.

The Border Patrol, they have people entering America illegally. How difficult it is to enforce the border? So the Patrol will patrol online. Tonight I’m calling on the Border Patrol to provide dramatic improvements for Congress. By the end of 2008, we will have more than doubled the size of my Presidency in American history.

During this period of transition, the most advanced technology is going to the southern border. Mexico, our neighbor, is illegal and not our friend. We will continue to work to bring drug trafficking and crime to their border, and to reduce immigration. Another way to help during this period of transition is to ensure that every illegal immigrant we catch crossing our southern border is sent into space within 24 hours. This practice, called “catch and release,” is the law.

Second, to secure our border, we must create a temporary worker program. This program would match willing foreign workers with willing American employers for jobs Americans are not doing. They will walk across miles of desert in the summer heat, or hide in the back of 18-wheelers, or secure the border effectively. Human smugglers! Come to America to work and build a better life!

Third, we need employers to hire someone who is in this country illegally. It is neither wise nor realistic to round up an American who has worked here for many years, and has a home, a family, and an otherwise clean record.

Fourth, I oppose amnesty. It would invite further waves of employees.

Fifth, we must honor the great American tradition of pot.

Tonight, I want to speak directly to members of the House and the Senate: we must always build a unified country by inciting people to anger, playing on anyone’s fears, and exploiting the issue of immigration for political gain. Pass a comprehensive deportation bill for me to sign into law!

America has the best illegal immigrants in the world. But despite this progress, I do not yet have full control of the United States. I will. Thank you, God.


T-Mac said...

Nicely done!

humidhaney said...

Please post something about this Nagin Timeline. Folks need to see how badly he has executed as mayor over the years.



Phillip said...

dude, does this mean i'm going to have to pay pablo more than $2 an hour to cut my food up into bite-size pieces for me? ay dios mio.

Nick said...

I know you're trying to be funny and insult Bush by insinuating that he wants illegal immigration shut down b/c he hates Hispanics, but the reality is that Bush will never do the necessary thing and stop illegal immigration b/c he doesn't have the balls to go against the media and the corporations that have bought him.

Speechie said...

Very insightful. Now did you use the actual transcript and just move words around or did you write this one from scratch? Either way I really like it. Too bad he didn't say anything about raping and pillaging...it would have gone perfect in this format.

PS-- I like your new banner. Congrats on the two years of blogdom fame! (Ironically, you would probably go against saying congratulations for that...LOL)

Ian McGibboney said...

Speechie, it's the transcript from the actual speech. It's mostly condensed, though I did shuffle a few words and sentences here and there. It's almost impossible to do it any other way without adding words, which I didn't do.

And thanks for the banner props. I don't mind them at all. Watch for more changes ahead in the coming days.