Friday, May 12, 2006

Black Sheep Brothers 2008

I hear Jeb Bush is really pissed. Why? Because his brother Dubya has said Jeb would make a great president. And we all know what a great prognosticator that guy is. Indeed, with Georgie's approval rating spinning at less than 33 1/3 RPM, he appears to be playing Chris Farley to Jeb Bush's Tim Matheson in a twisted remake of Black Sheep.

For the considerable masses who did not see this classic 1996 political documentary, here's a brief synopsis: Mike Donnelly (Farley), a rec-center supervisor, wants to help his brother Al (Matheson) win the governorship of Washington state. Unfortunately, Mike is a walking disaster area and unwittingly sabotages Al's campaign with every step. So Al asks Steve Dodds (David Spade) to babysit Mike until the campaign is over. Of course, this does very little to quell Mike's eagerness, and pandemonium ensues. Voter fraud and an unstable veteran are involved, and the movie was a critical and commercial flop. So naturally, it's perfect fodder for a Bush parallel. Presenting that hip new comedy floperoo: White Sheep!

Dubya: I'll do anything to make sure you win the presidency in 2008, Jeb. You name it, brother. Anything!

Jeb: All right! But I've got good people in my corner, and I need help here at home.

Dubya: Sounds good. I can work the telephone, hand out flyers, talk to the people.

Jeb: But you know, George, there're other ways you can help. Subtle ways. "Differently vocal" ways. You remember John Wayne, don't you?

Dubya: Are you kiddin'? He's only my hero!

Jeb: Think about his movies. Did he talk a lot?

Dubya: No! Mostly he let his shootin' do his talkin' for him.

Jeb: Right! See, real men don't NEED to talk! So the best thing you could do for me is--

Dubya: Shoot you?

Jeb: Not quite. What I need you to do is speak softly. And carry a big stick.

Dubya: Wait a minute...didn't that commie FDR say that?

Jeb: Actually, it was Teddy Roosevelt.

Dubya: Oh, yeah, Teddy! I'm a big fan of his bears.

Jeb: Um, yeah. Anyway, I've assigned my best strategist to help you out. Meet Mister--uh--

Mister: Mister's fine! Hi, Dubya.

Dubya: Howdy, Mister! What's with all that mud on you?

Mister: We're gonna be rich, because I'm the only person in the world who knows where we can find white mud!

Dubya: I'm already rich. Anyway, I said crud, not mud.

Mister: You don't want to know what it is. Suffice to say, I just told Karl Rove that another Bush was running for president.

Dubya: Ewww! Look, Mister, I'm not dumb. I realize that I'm a liability to my brother's campaign, that I embarrass him every time I show up stoned on TV, and that everyone thinks I burned down the rec center. But how can we fix those things now?

Mister: We'll blame the rec-center fire on Dick Cheney's gas ties and expert marksmanship. Your druggy performance on TV? Stress relating to 9/11. Everyone loves 9/11! As for you being embarrassing to your brother, I have solved the problem.

Dubya: Voter fraud?!!

Mister: No...a psychotic Gary Busey wielding a machine pistol.

Dubya: Darn. 'Cause voter fraud, that works.

Gary Busey: Vote for Jeb or Mr. Fire here starts barkin' thunder!

Dubya: You know, maybe we could get Chris Farley to vote for Jeb. Terri Schiavo too!

Jeb: Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?

Dubya: Don't be silly! I don't care about black people!

[All laugh. Curtain.]

1 comment:

Speechie said...

white sheep...