Monday, May 15, 2006

As much fun one can have with clothes

Name three things Not Right desperately needs, and they are: 1) a fresh batch of clothing, 2) chronic-grade doses of precious cuteness and 3) Jesus. So let's pop by for a visit at the latest online X-Mart to grab my attention: Godly Garb! This store features products from the Lord's loom, Kerusso.

First in the adult gallery (heh!) is "Hip Christian Apparel," which I guess is a prelude to all of the un-hip shirts to come (you can also suffer the children with most of these). The majority of these shirts make satirical references to junk food and drinks, which I guess is the essence of hip among the holy:

"I thirst..." for chocolate pseudo-milky goodness!

Clearly, He was in deep Dew-Dew from the start

More hip fun:

Note: not applicable for Little Goombas, Koopa Troopas, Bowser, Wart, or anything else Mario stomps along the path to Super Salvation

Can you fear me now? Can you fear me now?

You have the mind of a sponge!

But that Napoleon twerp is on his own

Jeez...wasn't The Matrix already a heavy-handed Christian allegory? Why not make a clever pun out of Passion of the Christ while you're at it?

Why isn't this one required of all customers?

Other categories include "Witness on Wheels," which effectively combine Creationism with the Creationism of environment-killing pollution:

No Hell. Just Angels.

Personal Testimony tees...because nothing speaks to your personal epiphany like one of these mass-produced beauties!

God is my liquor

Wear it with pride!

Then there are the POWER t-shirts. Buck up and suck up, son! You may be less than a maggot in God's all-encompassing eyes, but that doesn't mean you can't assert a healthy sense of Christian authority over your fellow man!

Why on Earth isn't this a wife-beater?

Let there be peace on Earth...wait, what?

Of course, sports is also represented here:

Ironic proof that God hates the Saints

An adjunct to this section is the Sportsman's line, which is less notable for its designs than for its action pictures:

It's always Bible season! No limit, blinders included

He has a penchant for exaggerating the size of his catches

Then there's the Proclaim Jesus series, for when you want to express to the world your penchant for S&M (Salvation and Morality, of course)! For example, witness this shirt marked, "Public Display of Affection":

Isn't PDA disallowed in most Christian circles?

But hate is painless

Ladies! Are you a steadfast moral princess who wishes to express your entire dating protocol with a minimum of the filthy interaction that results from actually talking to gentlemen? Then this is your corner!

Taken with myself, that is!

Let me guess...Pisces? Capricorny?

And I'll get pregnant because I have no sex education

Want more? Go to Godly Garb and Games! Or visit any number of my previous shirty posts that rock.


T-Mac said...

Those are hilarious! :-)

oyster said...

Yes, definitely one of my favorite categories at Not Right...

The best part of my morning thus far.

ashley said...

Do they carry maternity wear? The jokes write themselves...

Speechie said...

Oy...ya know, if I had been raised a Mormon I would be really offended by that last set of jokes there, Ian...

hey...wait a minute...


jenny said...

and i thought my "fuck me and marry me young" t-shirt (sisters of mercy) was funny. subtle, jenny, subtle.

Anonymous said...

apparently, for christians, originality is a sin

Murph said...

I bought a shirt like this in Gulf Shores, AL. It had the Taco Bell dog on it and it said "Yo Quiero Jesus." The dog was even fuzzy, which was awesome. God, I wish I still had that shirt. I also have seen a Ford one that said "Have you Talked to the LORD lately" I believe in Jesus, but even I'm not that clever.