Monday, April 03, 2006

Monday morning musings

--Always put things in perspective. I despaired over having no gas money until I realized that I have no car.

--Conservatives wouldn't call themselves "right-wingers" if they weren't right. Oh, wait--yes they would.

--Nothing is totally wrong; even a broken clock is right twice a day. Unless it's digital.

--Labels don't tell the whole story. For example, liberals aren't liberal when it comes to business regulations and conservatives aren't conservative when it comes to using nonrenewable resources.

--To everything, there is a season. If you doubt that, dangle some beads today and see how many flashes it gets you.

--What happened to all the Marilyn Manson protesters? Just because he's past his prime doesn't mean he's any less of an antichrist. Consistency, prayer warriors!

--Of course most Americans are screwed up; why else are so many of us born in hospitals?

--Cancer is stupid. First it kills you, then it kills itself.

--Supposedly, Donald Trump has never used an ATM. But lots of people have attempted to use Donald Trump as an ATM.

--Contrary to popular belief, there is no glass ceiling at most corporations. From what I can tell, it's actually Plexiglas.

--Do something nice today. Stay home.

--The sun is not the best argument against wasting energy.

--If there is life on Mars, how likely is it that they call their planet Mars?

--Guns don't kill people. But they don't exactly bring them to life either, do they?

--If a nutcase columnist writes a libelous column that nobody reads, was it worth a tree falling in the woods to print it?

--Always think positively. After all, how else are you going to get through the hopelessly horrific meat grinder that is life?

--West Virginia is in the Eastern time zone. Much of the Midwest is in the Central time zone. The Bonneville Salt Flats of Utah are in the Mountain time zone. Anybody else suspect that they made this up as they went along?

--If you meet someone who is perfect for you, immediately apologize to them.


jenny said...

excellent. i'll stay home today :)

Flamingo Jones said...

I like these a lot. Nice work.

Violet said...

I can't think of which comment is more disturbing: the one about Mars maybe not being "Mars" or the one about a gun that could possibly bring you back to life. First, I'm thinking Mars MUST be Mars. I mean, we conquered it, didn't we? What? We didn't? As a taxpayer, I am offended! What did all that "Star Wars" money go to? Damn godless microbes. Second, I think I'm almost more scared of a gun that could bring you back to life than I am of a gun that would kill you. (I've got specific plans for the afterlife.) And here, I'll just reference the whole Bill Hicks comedy oeuvre (specifically his "Pro Life" piece, which, if you haven't heard it, is screamingly funny). Talk about someone who should still be alive!

The leftist southpaw said...

"West Virginia is in the Eastern time zone. Much of the Midwest is in the Central time zone. The Bonneville Salt Flats of Utah are in the Mountain time zone."

To boot, North Carolina is in the south, South Dakota is in the north, the Mississippi River flows through nine other states before reaching Mississippi, Kansas City is in Missouri!

Flamingo Jones said...

Could we like petition South Dakota to actually be moved to the South, or something? I'm tired of those flatlanders ruining my rep.

Ian McGibboney said...

I was thinking more along the lines of the Southern Hemisphere.

Speechie said...

I'm sorry.

Jester said...

The right wing isn't right? Some of us don't think so:

Ian McGibboney said...

I wrote about that video five months ago. It hasn't aged well, has it?

Jester said...

Actually, it has a good beat and you can spread democracy to it.

Ian McGibboney said...

That song is mediocre, smug, divisive and arrogant. Spread democracy? These guys hate on half of America, never mind trying to unite the world.

Jester said...

I feel your pain.