Sunday, April 23, 2006

Just a bunch of complaints

Bill Maher wrote an excellent book last year entitled, New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer. In it, he goes through an A-to-Z list of things that need to be changed or eradicated from the planet. Viewers of his TV shows will undoubtedly recognize most of his stances, though he does put a refreshingly relevant spin on most of the blurbs. If you haven't yet read New Rules, I hereby assign it to you. You just might find yourself reading it over and over.

As much as I hate to co-opt someone else's concept, I can't help but come up with some "new rules" of my own. No doubt this will be a recurring feature here at Not Right, as stuff like this floods my head on a regular basis. Today, I unveil to you my first batch of New Rules, in descending order of quality:

Rule #1: Up in my grille, yo!

Trucks and SUVs should not scare the bejesus out of me in the rearview mirror. What is it with auto makers--and drivers--who think that the front of their vehicles should resemble a Decepticon Transformer with lockjaw? Hey, if whatever's in your pants was that large, you'd be driving a smaller car.

I understand that $3 gas prices are careening us toward the age of The Road Warrior, and that you'll need every advantage you can get to intimidate Mel Gibson on the interchange once that happens. But I'm frightened enough by the way you eggheads plow these things into the rear bumper of my Ford Pinto without facing the snarling bling-bling that is your grille. It may shock and awe the lovebugs, but it just annoys me.

Rule #2: Kinko's Cinema

At what point did Hollywood completely run out of ideas? Whereas in the past few decades we had to deal with with the same old tripe with a new name, now the studios aren't even bothering to change the name of the tripe. Six of the top 10 movies of 2005 were remakes or the latest chapters in decades-old franchises. And that's not counting the annual Harry Potter flick. Not that it's really an example of tripe, but one of last year's biggest movies was King Kong--a remake of a 1933 film that everyone knows. The new movie shares the same title and same time period. Clever! Even newer classics, like Lord of the Rings, are based off of decades-old stories.

If this trend continues, people in the future will forget that this decade ever existed. On second thought, maybe that isn't such a bad idea.

Rule #3: Evaluation proclamation

This one's for the government: you work for US, the people, remember? You have a lot of people to please and very few are happy right now. There are 296 million people in the United States; perhaps you boys should be open to changing your singular mind once in a while. Leaders aren't supposed to poll in the 30s, and when you do you certainly shouldn't keep doing the things that screwed everything up in the first place. Careening towards a tree at 90 miles per hour? Swerve, dumbass! I promise not to hold it against you if you don't stay that course. Really, I won't. Sincerely.

If the current batch of U.S. leaders worked for me, I'd have them all fired for incompetence. Hey, wait a minute...!


T-Mac said...

Old remakes don't bother me as long as they're good...which the War of the Worlds wasn't, so I see your point.

Ian McGibboney said...

Did you know there were actually TWO "War of the Worlds" movies last year? One was the blockbuster with Tom Cruise and the other was "H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds" starring C. Thomas Howell. I haven't seen either of them, but just the fact that they both exist says more than I can comprehend at the moment.

Michael said...

Re: SUV grilles--several years ago I saw something in the NY Times about car designs that claimed the front ends were designed with aggression in mind...sort of a "supply what the customer demands" thing. If I remember right, in particular this applied to the various flavors of Jeeps: the front is supposed to resemble bared teeth.

Just what the rest of us need, eh?

Ian McGibboney said...

Michael, part of my inspiration for this post was from a magazine that featured new cars. One of those showcased was a Ford SUV that said something about its grille, "and it will also scare the hell out of anyone who sees it in their mirror." And I thought, why is that a good thing?

The rest of the post is inspired by actually seeing this stuff a little too close in my mirrors.

As is often said, "Only in America."