Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The box has shifted its tools

McClellan done lying; Rove just beginning

WASHINGTON -- A Bush administration shake-up continued Wednesday, with White House press secretary Scott McClellan announcing his resignation and adviser Karl Rove shedding some duties.

Rove is giving up oversight of policy development to focus more on politics with the approach of the fall midterm elections. An administration source told NBC that the shift was “an acknowledgement of the tough political climate.”

An even better way to acknowledge the "tough political climate" would have been to fire Karl Rove and put Scott McClellan in charge of the midterm elections. But hey, what do I know? I'm no Karl Rove. And thank the deity for that! I may be just some two-bit blogger, but I still have my soul.

Rove “is the best pitcher in the league in terms of politics and strategy,” the source added, so “it’s obvious” he should focus on the mid-term elections.

Rove may be the best pitcher in the league, but it's still just the Bush League (rimshot)! Oh, I am IN THE ZONE today! You know, I don't do enough zany Leno-esque one-liners here at Not Right. I will work to rectify that as the news gets goofier.

Appearing with Bush on the South Lawn, McClellan, who has parried especially fiercely with reporters on Iraq and on intelligence issues, told Bush: “I have given it my all sir and I have given you my all sir, and I will continue to do so as we transition to a new press secretary.”

"Thank you sir, may I have another! Thank you sir, may I have another! Thank you sir, may I have another! Parry thrust! Oh, it's been so much fun being your monkey. But I don't think I can stand any more of this fun. Good luck in November!"

Bush said McClellan had “a challenging assignment.”

That's like calling the Grand Canyon a divot, which is a zinger I've never ever said before. Oh!

Seriously, though, reexamine that quote. Is Bush referring to the difficulty of Scott's job, or the difficulty of leaving it? I always figured that leaving the mafia would be pretty hard.

“I thought he handled his assignment with class, integrity,” the president said. “It’s going to be hard to replace Scott, but nevertheless he made the decision and I accepted it. One of these days, he and I are going to be rocking in chairs in Texas and talking about the good old days.”

Hey, lots of us are already sitting on rocking chairs, talking about the good old days. You know, like before you twerps were ever in office. One question, though: how are you and Scott going to reminisce that way when you're both already off your rockers?

McClellan is expected to remain in his job until a successor is named. Among those under consideration are Tony Snow, a former White House speechwriter under the first President Bush, former Pentagon spokeswoman Victoria Clarke and Dan Senor, a former coalition spokesman after the invasion of Iraq, according to Republican officials.

Other names being dropped include Arnold Schwarzenegger, Torquemada, the corpse of Ronald Reagan, David Koresh, Flavor Flav, Satan, Elle Woods, Toby Keith and the guy from Thank You For Smoking.

After the announcement, Bush and McClellan walked across the lawn together and boarded Marine One, but a problem with the helicopter’s radio kept it grounded. The president and his staff were forced to take a motorcade to Andrews Air Force Base, Md., where Bush boarded Air Force One for a flight to Alabama.

When things get tough, you can always count on Bush to fly to Alabama. I guess it's a reflex for him at this point.

Speaking of all these gnarly turns of events...

Fruitcake from 1962 found preserved in attic

What a coincidence...these guys haven't had a fresh idea since 1962 either! And both go down equally well. Mmmmmbop.


Speechie said...

Gnarly...heh heh heh.'re not Karl Rove??? My entire world is shattered.

You do know Elle Woods is a character in a movie??? Or is she a real person too? No matter I guess...Paris Hilton's dog could do a better job than our current leadership. Are you sure Paris herself isn't on the list?? After all, after all the shit we've put up with during Bush's reign of terror, it would be nice to see it coming out of an ass that isn't wrinkly and pooched.

In any case, and aside from my more assanine remarks, which I will continue with momentarily, I think you have made several good points here.

First of all, and maybe without realizing it, you pointed out that Bush is concerned with everything EXCEPT the current state of our nation. A position as important as Press Secretary has opened up and Bush is concerned with his rocking chair in Texas and how soon he'll be sitting in it and reminiscing. Unfortuantely, he neglects to realize that if he continues to push forward with pushing the buttons on the "Piss Me Off" remote for the world, he may not have a rocking chair to sit in and if he does, he'll reminiscing in broken-Iranian Arabic about how he should have thought less about his damn rocking chair and Klaxton Christmas Fruit Cake and more about the state of foreign affairs...and he'll be doing it all from a prison torture chamber/cell, much like the one they're keeping Hussein in, not that he's my all-time best friend or anything.

Second, you were more than perfectly within rights to describe McClellan like a character straight out of Oliver Twist crying "Please sir, I'd like some more." And then even better was shooting the President in the foot with "More?!" Obviously not your exact words, but I took it to heart. And you're correct, you don't do enough Leno at Not Right. However, I find the McGibboney wit to be just as don't necessarily need to be Leno. Just give me more of you, baby, and we shall certainly be fine ;).

And finally, before I move back into the assanine comments that made this comment an even longer narrative/novel/novella/whatev, you made a swift blow at the President with a grand old LEFT hook which I especially enjoyed. When there were issues with foreign relations and changing positions in the white house, and even with the disintegration of his own presidency, Clinton stood up and charged in head first (with the tiny exceptions that only made him human and even more appreciable) without thinking twice about the ramifications it might have on himself; all he cared about was the state of the nation. Clinton used the future and fate of the American public as his guiding light to make his way through dark and storms. Bush on the other hand, is more concerned with the state of his family's financial pocket book and pride and therefore charges into the dark without a light and without the future of the American public on his mind. He's moved it to an even darker place in his pocket. And you are entirely correct. All he ever does is run away from direct confrontation with any issue that could possibly out his level of incompetence more than he already has. Every time I think of Bush a little piece of me wants to kill a monkey...just end the line at the source, ya know? Of course, I would never do that...beng all with Audubon and that. :D As a TRUE cajun would say if they knew anything about... anything: I'd like to hunt me some Bush monkeys...mmmm mmmmm..."

Back to the assanine remarks.

Want to hear my Fruit Cake to Bush analogy??? Too bad, you get it anyway.

Ya know, some people like Fruit Cake. Wait, nevermind, you win. But only because some people also like Bush.

Interesting that a homemade Fruit Cake would last so long. Also interesting that the Bush legacy has lasted so long.

I would have thought that a pre-packaged manufactured Fruit Cake would have been the culprit; in the case of is.

That particular Fruit Cake had rum and brandy in did the voters when they elected Bush.

Unfortunately this is where my analogy breaks down...

Soldiers don't like keeping things around that cause indigestion and yet they keep voting for Bush.

I wonder if that Fruit Cake guy was a Republican??? He certainly let the crap build up a long time before he decided to do something about it.

And my last comment is that I was horrified to see the Mmmmmmbop...I mean, I know Hanson is just as hard to choke down as Bushy Fruit Cake (that just paints a really disturbing, gnarly--heh heh heh-- picture in my head) or maybe it's Fruity Bush Cake...Cakey Bush Fruit??? Cakey Fruit Bush...the point had my three worst fears all in one sentence: Bush admin, Fruit Cake, and Hanson.

Thank you again, for your insightfulness and sources for my odd analogies that somehow come out making sense. Unless I write them in Italian. Oh yeah, there ya go...I wrote some stuff about my feelings in my other blog. Good luck reading that. :D

Ian McGibboney said...

*Issues restraining order*

Seriously, good points. Funny, too.

Phillip said...

i nominate gallagher for press secretary. the closest thing to a cogent answer to any question about the administrtion's nefariousness is to sledgehammer a watermelon on a piano.

it was fun though watching scotty triangulate and doublespeak his way to an eventual coronary behind that podium. i'll miss the legendary back-and-forth between he and david gregory, and of course jeff gannon. i only hope the next mouthpiece is as chubby and sweaty.

btw what do you think about the mid-terms?

Violet said...

I love what you're doing with the humor factor in your column. You had a few good shots here, but I think, "Never mind that I couldn't have picked Andrea's face out of a police lineup consisting only of Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Mike Tyson and Andrea" from Votivation" wins best line of the month.

Anonymous said...


Too bad that line was plaigurized (sp.) from another left wing blogger

Phillip said...

i just had another thought. what if they just do away with the position of press secretary altogether? seems in line with their strategy.

Ian McGibboney said...

Anonymous, I've never seen that line anywhere, and I certainly don't plagiarize (but I do spell it correctly). If you can provide the gag from the left-wing blogger I "stole" it from, then we have a discussion. If not, you'll be shot down just like the last joker who lied about such a serious charge.

Not that it proves anything anyway; it's entirely possible that someone has said it before in the history of time. But I know I've never seen it, and repeating jokes over and over never stopped the professionals anyway.

Violet, thanks! I enjoy coming up with something unique, even if some think that somehow I ripped off stories of my life from some other freak.

Phillip, I think we've entered a permanent period of celebrity in politics. Celebrities can take office, and those who assume office become celebrities. It works from a PR standpoint, because that's all politics is anyway. Competence is less of an issue, because ultimately the same vapid measures are taken no matter who is in office. The same goes for press secretary. I don't think the GOP will eliminate the position, because they will continue to employ as many talking-point tools as they can. If the White House needs to trim its payroll, the first to go will be the Fox News interns.

As for the midterm elections, I think the Democrats have a chance to absolutely steamroll the Republicans. People hate the GOP right now, and Bush himself is deep in F territory in all polls. But then again, that's the same thing I said in 2004. Hopefully, we'll see some fight from the Democrats this time around.