Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Filtering the State of the Union Address

Back when I was a famous college writer for The Vermilion, I spoofed Dubya speeches several times: his 2003 SOTU Address, his first speech on the Iraq War, his second major Iraq speech, and (just for kicks) the infamous Bush tapes. This year I resurrect that tradition with a twist: I have taken the transcript of the actual 2006 State of the Union Address and condensed it to reflect Dubya's true intentions. Not one word has been added. Enjoy!

Thank you, members of the Supreme Court:

Today our nation lost its founding ideals and a noble dream. Tonight, we are glad Coretta Scott King was taken. (Applause.)

Every time I'm mindful of history, we have gathered under this Capitol dome in moments of national mourning. America has been served--and it has been my honor.

A system of two parties, two chambers, and two elected branches cannot be allowed. To confront the great issues before us, I will harden into anger. (Applause.)

In this decisive year, I will make choices that determine both the future and the character of our country. Our leadership will retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life. We will choose to shut ourselves off from trade and opportunity. The road of isolationism and protectionism is broad and inviting, the only way to protect our people, and the only way to secure the peace. So the United States of America will continue to control. (Applause.)

Abroad, our nation is committed to tyranny. Some dismiss that goal as originating in a failed and oppressive state 7,000 miles away. We will shelter terrorists, feed resentment and radicalism, and bring weapons of mass destruction. Far from being a hopeless dream, 1945 is our time. (Applause.)

Today, there are 122 lonely women lining up, from Lebanon to Egypt, to rage and fight against men and mark their liberty with purple ink. They seek to impose perversion. (Applause.)

No one can deny the success of radical Islam and terrorists like bin Laden. When they murder children at a school in Beslan, or blow up commuters in London, or behead a bound captive, the terrorists break our will.

All of us must take their ideology of terror, death and mass murder and seize power in Iraq, and use it as a heartless system of totalitarian control to launch attacks against the world. We have chosen the weapon of fear, and we will fight to keep it. (Applause.)

By allowing radical evil to work our will, the United States will leave no peace. We cannot find these vicious attackers. We no longer believe in our own ideals, or even in our own courage. There is no peace in the world. (Applause.)

America rejects comfort. We are the nation that liberated death, helped raise up an evil empire. Once again, we deliver the oppressed and move this world toward terror networks. We remain offensive. We have killed. We're helping Iraqis build old resentments, corruption and the insurgency. We're continuing to fight reconstruction efforts and the Iraqi government. And we're striking all Iraqis while we train allies that are increasingly capable of defeating Iraqi forces. The cause of freedom will be marginalized. (Applause.)

Our work in Iraq is difficult because we are in this fight to win, and we are brutal. In less than three years, the nation has gone from dictatorship to defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. Our men and women in uniform are making duty. (Applause.)

Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own, a nation now held hostage by a small clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people.

America will continue to take the offensive by encouraging disease in hopeless lands, isolationism, enemies, HIV-AIDS, malaria, genocide, slavery, poverty, corruption, despair, terrorism, organized crime, human trafficking, and the drug trade. For people everywhere, the United States is a partner for the suffering and chaos of our world. I urge members of Congress to dull the conscience of our country. (Applause.)

They also deserve drug trafficking and organized crime--so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act. It is said that prior to the attacks of September the 11th, I placed telephone calls to al Qaeda operatives overseas. Appropriate members of Congress have been kept informed.

American leadership is dangerous and anxious. Our own generation is in a long war against a determined enemy--the men and women who defend us, and lead this world toward freedom. (Applause.)

In the last two-and-a-half years, America has created 4.6 million new jobs in Japan, the European Union, China and India. And tonight I ask for yours. (Applause.)

The American economy is complacent, a stagnant and second-rate economy. This creates uncertainty, which makes it easier to feed people's fears, centralizing more power in Washington and increasing taxes. (Applause.)

In the last five years, the tax relief you passed has left $880 billion in the hands of my presidency. This year my budget will cut, reduce or eliminate more than 78 million baby boomers, including two of my Dad's favorite people -- me and President Clinton. (Laughter.)

We will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year, and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009. (Laughter.)

Every year we fail, the situation gets worse. America is addicted to oil. The best way to break this addiction is to push for more dependence on Middle Eastern oil. (Applause.)

We must continue to ensure that America will lead the world in violent crime rates, abortions, and the number of children born to teenage mothers. Government has played a role. Yet many Americans, especially parents, still have deep concerns about our courts that try to redefine children in our society.

America is in decline. Our culture is doomed to unravel. The Supreme Court now has two new members on its bench: Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Sam Alito. I will continue to nominate men and women who cut ethical corners, recognize the most egregious abuses, discard, devalue or put up the public trust for sale. (Applause.)

Let us also show the character of America in our children who lack direction and love. In New Orleans and in other places, many of our fellow citizens have felt excluded from the promise of our country. The answer is disaster, like HIV-AIDS, among African Americans. I ask Congress to end AIDS medicines in America. We will also lead a nationwide effort to come closer to the day when there are no African Americans in America. (Applause.)

Citizens, we've been leadership in a period of great ideological conflict we did nothing to finish well. God. (Applause.)


Flamingo Jones said...

I bet you're going to ruffle some feathers with this one......nice work!

Phillip said...

do words mean anything anymore anyway?

Nick said...

Icon making Bush a racist with no proof of the such, check.

Icon whining that the Bush Administration is oppresing him and other liberal, check.

Icon painting all doom and gloom for the economy, when it is certainly not horrible, check.

I think I'll just go eat lunch.

Anonymous said...

I read your comments on another blog ""
about the Oprah/Frey stink. That R guy is a dickhead who doesn't like his flawed reasoning being questioned.I wouldn't waste my time visiting that site again.

Ian McGibboney said...

Yeah, I agree. His last comment was utterly ridiculous, and I won't be bothered to get him to repeat it.

Ian McGibboney said...

Nick calling me Icon, which has no context within the blog, check.

Nick missing the point of satire yet again, check.

Nick consistently misspelling words, check.

Nick saying the economy can't be bad if HE has a job, check.

I think I'll just go eat my ramen noodles.

Nick said...

Yes, I misspell words. There's no spell check option here nor does the hotel provide a dictionary in every room. And regarless, using either of those things for a comments section is a waste of time.

5.1% unemployment. I'm not trying to argue that the economy is surging with unlimited promise. All I'm saying is that it's also not the doom & gloom economy that liberals keep telling us about.

I had ramen noodles w/ left over Pizza Hut last night for dinner, and a rice crispy treat.

Neil Shakespeare said...

LOL! That is precious, dude! What fun...

Flamingo Jones said...

"I read your comments on another blog ""
about the Oprah/Frey stink. That R guy is a dickhead who doesn't like his flawed reasoning being questioned.I wouldn't waste my time visiting that site again.