Thursday, February 02, 2006

Broken news:

Superman unable to choose between truth, justice, American way

METROPOLIS--Superman announced today that he is increasingly unable to stand for "truth, justice and the American way" all at once.

"In these trying times, I want the people of the world to know that they can count on me as a paragon of stability," Superman said in a press conference at the Daily Planet. "But how can I claim to be for 'truth, justice and the American way' when those things now contradict one another?

"I mean, I could still say I'm for truth and justice. But neither truth nor justice is the American way these days. The past several years have been a long string of lies and injustices by the Bush administration, all in the name of patriotism. I just don't want anyone to get the idea that I support that."

Superman further questioned whether he could even stand for truth or justice anymore. "Between state-sanctioned torture and Sam Alito sitting on the Supreme Court, I'm not sure justice is worth being about anymore. And truth? That word's been hijacked by the religious right. Hell, I'm from Krypton, so I really have no use for what the Creationists call 'truth.' The last thing I want the world to think about me is that I'm about what passes for those ideas these days."

Superman stressed that he would continue to stand for the forces of good, even if he could no longer describe it as the American way. "It's not that I'm not for those concepts in principle," he continued, "But the spinmasters have turned the very mention of those words into an endorsement of the culture war. Screw that."

The superhero is reportedly considering such alternative mottos as, "Honesty, Accountabilty and the Global Way" and "Rightfulness, Culpability and the Ethical Manner," but also dismissed those on the grounds that they sounded even worse.

Council of Conservative Citizens hosts annual State of the Confederacy Address

CHARLESTON, S.C.--The Council of Conservative Citizens, a national white-rights group, held its annual State of the Confederacy Address Wednesday.

In his address, local C of CC president Kyle Roberts said that he hoped the confederacy would build upon its past and fight for the protection of any future it might have.

"Friends and neighbors, the Confederacy remains strong in spirit," Roberts said. "The Union might have won the war, but they've never won our hearts. And we must do all that we can to ensure our nation's survival, once we're able to get it up and running again." To that end, Roberts said he would allocate $270 toward a bold new "Rising Again" initiative.

"With this new program, I hope to increase incentives for all Confederate-Americans to take pride in their heritage. Whether you choose to express your solidarity with a Stars-and-Bars license plate, a Civil-War reenactment or a tow rope, rest assured that we will continue to stand for freedom of secession."

The SOTC speech was interrupted several times by the audience spontaneously standing up and firing hunting rifles at passing birds.

Upon completion of the speech, Roberts left the parking lot and punched back in at the tobacco refinery.

New Monkees attempt comeback with cover of "That Was Then, This is Now"

VENICE BEACH, CA--In a bid to revive their career, the New Monkees have released a comeback hit, a cover of the original Monkees' 1986 comeback hit, "That Was Then, This is Now."

"Eighties retro is huge right now, and we thought of no better way to commemorate that than to redo the song that reintroduced the old Monkees to a 1980s audience," said New Monkee Marty Ross. "Hopefully, it will work for the New Monkees as well as it did for the real Monkees."

The Monkees, a band created for its self-titled comedy show in the 1960s, experienced a massive resurgence two decades later via MTV. The original band rode this wave into a major comeback hit, "That was Then, This is Now." In 1987, The New Monkees debuted on syndicated television, with a new handpicked lineup. Though heavily promoted and awaited, the show lasted only 13 episodes, and the group folded shortly thereafter.

The New Monkees' initial unpopularity, however, doesn't faze Ross. "The original lasted only 58 episodes, which didn't hold up well over time," he said. "Not to mention that the group's musical heyday was short and truncated. No one thought they'd ever reunite, but they did to huge acclaim. So why shouldn't we? That was then, this is now."

Like their predecessors, the New Monkees reunite minus one member. Drummer Dino Kovas was unavailable due to his ongoing effort to make a sequel to 1989's Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, for which he served as property assistant.


Flamingo Jones said...

Maybe Superman could just fight for "Truthiness," instead of actual "Truth." Like switching from butter to margarine. Seems to work for everybody else.

Phillip said...

i honestly prefer spray butter. you don't need a knife, you don't have to melt it, it tastes great, no calories... what's not to like?

sorry ian, i'm not trying to steer your thread towards dairy product substitutes :)

the monkees didn't play their own instruments or sing their own songs! bullshit! next you're probably going to tell me that james frey's memoir isn't all true.

Ian McGibboney said...

Ha ha...actually, the Monkees did eventually learn to play (post-show), and their later records were more their own creations. But I find it interesting that Glen Campbell actually performed on a lot of their earlier music.

Phillip said...

yeah yeah i saw their "behind the music" too... :O)

Michael said...

Off-topic: Tag!

Ian said...

Interesting that you mentioned the New Monkees. A friend of mine found a site with some of their music videos. I didn't think it was that bad,....for the 80's.