Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The year in review, so far

--A major environmental group released a report calling 2005 the "worst year ever" for weather. Actually, it was a great year for hurricanes, tsunamis and global warming; it just sucked for the people and cities affected.

--Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon will reportedly abandon the U.S. "road map for peace" in favor of forcefully annexing West Bank land from the Palestinians. In road-map parlance, that's what you call "nose-diving the Family Truckster."

--Firefighters near San Antonio, Texas, are selling firecrackers to raise money. Inspired by the campaign's success, local hospitals have begun stocking shotguns.

--Scientists in Dallas have confirmed that a skeleton discovered 16 years ago is a unique sea dinosaur. The finding plugs a missing link in the evolutionary chain, a fact that Texas schoolchildren are promptly expected to not learn.

--A bowler in Michigan died after rolling the third perfect game of his 49-year career, thus proving the old adage, "36 strikes and you're out."

--A California woman reported that an intruder broke into her house, downloaded porn into her computer and promptly fled, stealing nothing. Rocker Gary Glitter responded to the incident by saying, "Damn! I wish I'd thought of that alibi!"

--In business news, Independence Air announced it would cease operations after only 19 months. I guess it didn't help that the airline's name recalled a movie where lots of jets are blown out of the sky.

--Ending several months of speculation, the NFL announced that the Saints would return to New Orleans in 2006. The challenge now? Finding new Saints.

--The Chronicles of Narnia edged out King Kong this past weekend as the number-one movie at the U.S. box office. Both movies are being hailed as the best escapist fantasies this side of the White House press room.

--Finally, authorities in Columbus, Ohio, reported that a cat allegedly dialed 911. Which isn't so remarkable, considering that the damn thing was trying to order a pizza.


Flamingo Jones said...

I thought this was a pretty funny statement:

"However, when it comes to job opportunities as a head coach, all of that standardization goes out with the trash. Some openings are gold mines, others are land fills. You can be an assistant coach on the rise, with loads of experience, just waiting for your chance to get control of a team, but instead of a team you get the Saints."

It's less harsh when you realize that they're talking more about having to deal with Tom Benson than the players.

JTekell said...

Way to end with a garfield reference!

Nick said...

The Saints' prospects for '06 are pretty interesting. Obviously, they are in line to draft Matt Lienart. However, I think they may be better served to trade down. Maybe Ramsey from WASH plus a couple 1st round picks? Kind of like a reversal of what Ditka did to get Ricky Williams. Of course, if the Texans are smart, they trade down too. They need O-lineman more than Reggie Bush. They already have a good RB.

Flamingo, what do yall Cheeseheads think Farve's going to do? Seeing Farve in a different uniform would be very odd, however, Joe Montana went to KC and came within 1 game of another Super Bowl. I think he could be good with Miami. I'd like to see him play one more season to go out on a better note.

oyster said...

I agree with Nick.

About the Saints.

Great roundup, Ian! You've become my most trusted newssource.

Flamingo Jones said...

Nick, Favre has already said that he will go out as a Packer. Not that athletes don't lie...but I just don't see Favre doing that to the Wisconsin fans who have been so good to him and his family.

We loved him when he was "that new quarterback" who could play phenomenally one game, and then throw an astonishing number of interceptions the next. And we loved him this year with his record-breaking 29 interceptions. I don't believe he would have had that anywhere else.

I think he's going to retire. The game against Seattle sure looked retire-y to me. Waving to the fans on the way out, ceremonially handing the ball over to Rogers when he went off the field, Mike Holmgren there to see him off. It's really a very fitting way for him to end it.

The only way I see him coming back is if they got Mariucci. But since I'm of the belief that they don't WANT him back, I don't see that happening.

I was on the phone with a friend late into the night yesterday plotting out our ultimate fantasy situation: The Packers make a one-year offer to Parcells...he accepts...Brett Favre stays on...together they kick everybody's ass, win Superbowl XLI and both men end their careers in a blaze of glory.

But that won't happen either.

Sorry Ian, for hi-jacking your blog. But he asked.

Flamingo Jones said...

Oh, and my mother's Favre fantasy is for Mike Sherman to get the Vikings job...takes Brett Favre with him. Favre insists that free-agent Longwell come with them. Then Favre and Sharper are back together again. The Vikings already have a near Superbowl-ready team as it is.

Then disgruntled Packers fans flock to Minneapolis to cheer for Favre in a comfy dome and teach Vikings supporters what it means to be real fans.

And every time they play Green Bay, they kick their asses and show Ted Thompson what an idiot he his.

Nick said...

I've never cared for the Vikings and would hate to see Farve there. And I agree, Thompson is a moron.

I think the first thing GB needs to do is stop depending on A. Green as a RB.

thehim said...

Firefighters near San Antonio, Texas, are selling firecrackers to raise money. Inspired by the campaign's success, local hospitals have begun stocking shotguns.

Holy crap, is that true? They should be stockpiling buckets of water.

Ian McGibboney said...

Well, the first part is true; the second part seems equivalent, though, doesn't it?

Neil Shakespeare said...

The year's off to a good start. Things seem to be goin' pretty well. And if you need some new saints, there's plenty of halos floating around the White House.