Monday, January 30, 2006

Two touchdowns' worth of one-liners


--Oprah Winfrey retracted her support for James Frey's book, A Million Little Pieces, after Frey confessed to exaggerating personal claims made therein. For one thing, there were only 500,000 medium-size pieces.

--An Arkansas woman in custody for killing her three children said Monday that she did it because they told her to. Unfortunately for her, asking your kids what David Spade show they're watching is not currently grounds for murder.

--Senators ended debate on Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito Monday, virtually assuring his confirmation to the nation's highest bench. And Jesus wept.

--A top Republican pollster described the American electorate as "gray and gloomy," going into this year's State of the Union address. George W. Bush is expected not to notice, as he only sees things in black and white.

--The FDA on Friday approved the first-ever inhalable insulin. The product is expected to spawn a new underground subculture, "hi-abetics."

--A 15-year-old girl is the first confirmed death from Bird Flu in Iraq. Some people have all the luck, don't they?

--In Saskatchewan, 72 miners emerged alive after 24 hours stuck in a burning mine. They survived by taking shelter in special oxygen chambers, though Dick Cheney initially refused to let them in.

--A new study shows that nervous public speakers can benefit from having sex prior to a speech. In a related story, Bill Clinton is a much more charismatic speaker than George W. Bush.

--In a poll conducted by AskMen.com, Jessica Alba was named the ideal long-term girlfriend. The ranking was based on the input of 2.5 million of the least qualified men in the world to judge that sort of thing.

--Following a decade of pleading by students, dorms at Yale are getting soap dispensers for the very first time. So now we can refer to Yalies as "well-connected, legacy-milking, squeaky-clean bastards."

--Jessica McClure, who as an infant made headlines in 1987 for getting trapped in a well, got married on Saturday. Reports indicate that she's head over heels in love.

--Actor Chris Penn, best known for co-starring in Footloose, was found dead last week in his Santa Monica home. The cause of death was ruled as a massive heart attack, which also felled Chris Farley, who acted aside Brian Dennehy in Tommy Boy, who acted with Alan Alda in The West Wing, who starred with John Candy in Canadian Bacon, who co-starred with Steve Martin in Planes, Trains and Automobiles, which features a cameo by Kevin Bacon, star of Footloose.

--Brokeback Mountain is said to be in the running for a sweep at the upcoming Oscars. Even if it has to sleep with Oscar to get it.

--A dominatrix was cleared of any wrongdoing in the death of an elderly client during an S&M session. At no point had the man uttered his safety phrase, "You're killing me!"

4 comments:

BigEasy said...

wow...those jokes are terrible. nice job.

Ian McGibboney said...

Give me a better class of news and I'll try harder.

Anonymous said...

Exxon considers bankruptsy based on their 5 billion [NET] first quarter profits as opposed their the goal of 6 billion. Financial "Depression" is a terrible thing.

Mikel said...

The above was posted by Mikel but entered anonymously because I can't remember my password. Mikel