Thursday, December 22, 2005

We're all Rocket Men

Musician Elton John married his longtime lover David Furnish in England Wednesday, along with hundreds of other gay couples who have made similar commitments there. In light of this newly blessed union, certain amendments have already been made to the law. If you have not already done so, you must heed the following rules:

--All heterosexual married couples must immediately divorce;

--All U.S. citizens (regardless of previous marital status) must enter into marriage with someone of the same sex, preferably a child or an animal;

--A blood test is required, in case a partner doesn't have an STD;

--All Bibles must be torn up prior to the ceremony;

--Each ceremony must be performed by a hellbound Episcopalian pastor;

--All vows must end, "By the powers vested in me through NAMBLA, I now pronounce you husband and husband (or, "wife and wife"). You may fist the bride."

--The gay lobby requires a minimum of two witnesses, including (but not limited to) the following: young, impressionable children; the owner of the bathhouse where the couple met; Satan; and any monkey elders to whom the parties might be related.

These are the new rules, because that's clearly what Elton John had in mind when he married the man he loves.

9 comments:

Murph said...

"You may fist the bride"

Holy fucking shit, Ian. That's awesome. I am raging with jealousy that I didn't come up with that, though thankful that I wasn't drinking anything while I was reading it.

Zachary said...

We Episcopalians are teh shit.

Jester said...

Whoa! Easy on the sarcasm there, Ian old boy. You're feeding us enough hyperbole to choke a horse!

Ian McGibboney said...

Jester, I'm glad it comes off to you as hyperbole when I say it. Because it comes off just as stupidly when your side says it straight.

Michael said...

Doesn't sound like hyperbole to me, Ian. Just a righteous parody of many of the most unrighteous (and self-righteous) people I know.

(And I can't wait to watch the wingnuts' heads start exploding when some of these newlyweds--from Britain, from Canada, from Massachusetts--start showing up in federal court with lawsuits challenging the constitutionality of DOMA, various state hate initiatives, and The Agency Formerly Known as the INS's discriminatory policies on same-sex couples, and winning.)

Jester said...

Pull up your pants, guys. Your extremism is showing again.

Ian McGibboney said...

No, the extremism comes from your side; all I'm doing is reflecting it. I can't help it if the image frightens you. Want some Clearasil?

gambitch said...

The mention of the words "new rules" somehow reminds me of Bill Maher - maybe it has to do with me reading his funny book of the same title!

Oh, and a belated Merry Christmas and a not-so-belated Happy New Year!

Ian McGibboney said...

Gambitch, isn't that book awesome? I've already read the entire thing at least three times. "New Rules," uh, rules!

And belated holiday greetings down under to you! I once saw a picture of Santa Claus visiting a beach there in National Geographic. I wondered how he could wear the suit. Good stuff.