Friday, December 16, 2005

My interview with Dick Cheney!

Author's note: I was going to save this for my Christmas surprise, but I just can't help it. As you regular readers know, vice president Dick Cheney visits my hometown of Lafayette on a relatively regular basis. I didn't mention it at the time (instead preferring to run this constructive critique of the visit), but I actually managed to finagle a couple of minutes with the big guy himself.

How did I do it? By donning my finest menswear, effectively exploiting an old press pass and exercising uncharacteristic chutzpah. Bringing along my Halliburton-employee friend also helped significantly. We rode to the function in his company car, which was allowed to glide unimpeded among the gridlock. I found the vice president to be affable, even friendly, especially while making his speech. I did my best to catch him on that emotional wave. So, without further ado, here's my interview with Dick Cheney:

Me: Mr. Vice President!

Dick: [Nothing]

Me: Um, Mr. Vice President?

Dick: [Not talking to me] You see, the oil refineries are our top priority...

Cute rookie reporter: Mr. Vice President!

Dick: What?

Cute rookie reporter: May we talk with you for a couple of seconds?

Dick: I suppose.

Cute rookie reporter: Oh, this is so exciting! My first interview with a celebrity! This is even better than when I ambushed Ralph Begnaud.

Dick: [smiles as much as his face allows]

Cute rookie reporter: The White House has been lambasted over the past year for allegedly falsifying its WMD reports in effort to accelerate the war in Iraq. Tell me, sir, how wrong are they?

Dick: Very wrong!

Cute rookie reporter: Did you hear that, guys? I feel so validated!

Me: Mr. Vice President, if I may...

Cute rookie reporter: Wait, are you crazy? I'm not going to waste this moment! May I ask a follow-up?

Dick: For $1,000. [Pauses] Sorry, that was a reflex! Of course.

Cute rookie reporter: Some would say that your trip here to Louisiana proves that you are preoccupied with fundraising for Republican candidates instead of helping run the country. But isn't the real reason because you think Louisiana is the best state in the world?

Dick: Of course Louisiana is the best state! It's got oil, a political system to envy and great hunting. It's the perfect place for a man of my stature.

Cute rookie reporter: Awesome! Well, I know you're a busy man, so I'll let you go. But I just want to let you know on a personal level that I am huge fan of yours and voted for you and President Bush enthusiastically in both 2000 and 2004. Heck, I would have voted for you several times if I had the chance!

Dick: We're working on that.

Cute rookie reporter: Oh my god, I will so treasure this interview for the rest of my life! Today, I am a full-fledged journalist. I have learned so much today, not just about the cooperation of the press, but about the approachability of our awesome leaders in general and--

Dick: Right, okay...Next!

Me: Mr. Vice President...

Dick: You that guy who came in with the Halliburton employee?

Me: Yes, sir. A very close friend. We trade drilling stories over venison.

Dick: Ah, yes. He asked for a raise last week, actually. Got it on good authority. If I were you I'd reconsider my association with such an agitator. [Squints eyes] Wait a minute...I know you! I thought the Secret Service took care of you!

Me: [Innocently] Moi?

Dick: You speak French? SECURITY!!

Me: [Boldly] Security? When have we ever had that with you guys in Washington?

All right, all right...I think you can definitely tell at this point that I'm kidding.


Neil Shakespeare said...

Well, at least you didn't get eaten. I hear Dick loves to chow down on a Faux reporter now and again.

Schroeder said...

You weren't doing your job if you couldn't get him to say "Go F- yourself!"

Ian McGibboney said...

Though I heard he did say it to a college reporter, who recalled the incident as "the moment I realized I was an important person in the presence of greatness."