Wednesday, December 28, 2005

American Gossip


--Officials at the FBI are investigating claims that the Bush administration authorized "erroneous renditions," in which terrorist suspects are deported to other countries. Evidence of this allegation seems thin, however, because Bush has no idea what "erroneous renditions" means.

--Dry brush fires swept across Oklahoma and Texas on Tuesday, causing Governor Rick Perry to declare Texas a disaster area. Oh, so that's what it takes!

--The NYC Transit Union approved a new contract for the city's public-transit drivers Tuesday night, which will net them a 10.9 percent pay raise over the next three years. It's all part of the GOP presidential platform for 2008: "We did TOO make the trains run on time!"

--Reynaldo Rapalo, the Florida rapist who had escaped from prison last week, was recaptured Monday night. Fellow inmates celebrated his return by raping him.

--A New Mexico judge lifted a restraining order filed against David Letterman by a woman who claims he harasses her through his show. Letterman responded to the charges by saying, "On the show tonight, Joaquin Phoenix and Trisha Yearwood!"

--Britney's babydaddy Kevin Federline has a new Web site. No wonder I couldn't purchase the domain, www.wifebeater.com!

--January's GQ Magazine features Wafah Dufour, American-born niece of Osama bin Laden, who wants her fellow citizens not to judge her by her relatives. Interestingly enough, the magazine quotes former President George Bush as saying the same thing.

--In license-plate news, an Illinois alderman recently copped to lying about his military record in order to get Purple Heart tags. New legislation would require those who forge military documents to pay a $1,000 fine and run for president.

--And finally, George W. Bush said he hopes for a "better year" in 2006. Which reminds me of what he said for 2005: "I hope to celebrate the end of the Iraq War with a big party in New Orleans."

3 comments:

Michel said...

Brilliant stuff, Ian!

Phillip said...

an "erroneous rendition" sounds exactly like what's going to happen to the florida rapist.

Flamingo Jones said...

OK. I love you. These made my night.