Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Zeroing in

Blogging is a fickle medium. Well-crafted posts sometimes get no traffic while one-sentence (or even no-sentence) afterthoughts generate tons of commentary. I don't know why this happens, nor does it particularly dismay me. But I am interested in the cyclical nature of blog traffic, which I have learned is entirely unrelated to content of said blogs.

This post celebrates my favorite entries from Not Right that drew exactly zero comments. When choosing these, I thought back to entries of which I was particularly proud and was thus freaked when no one ever noticed them. The following list comprises posts that I still find relevant and/or otherwise engaging, regardless of date (for space's sake, I've left out hitless regular features, such as Caption Contests, Not Right News and highly topical blurbs). Feel free to take a second look (or a first look, as it were) at these greatest misses from the past:

Why I Hate the Pledge of Allegiance (9/28/05)

Even as a four-year-old in Head Start, I had the say the pledge on a daily basis. This was the same year I learned (via flashcard sessions) how to pronounce and define such words as "word" and "learn." The hardest word I dealt with that year was "together;" how, then, could I possibly understand such concepts as "allegiance" and "indivisible?"

Red Tape, Redefined (2/24/05)

This is the only column to make the list (though hardly the only to garner no comments), because I think it actually works better as a blog entry than as a column. They cocked up the spelling in the Vermilion, which appropriately tempered my enthusiasm for this column.

A Military Funeral (9/10/04)

The war death of Joe Thibodeaux, with whom I graduated from high school, led to one of my most-trafficked posts ever, resulting in off-site e-mails that continue to trickle in even now, more than a year later. As you might expect, not all of these notes have been good, though most are supportive and apolitical in nature (similar posts also continue to kick up a shitstorm). Despite the resonance of the original post, my subsequent coverage of Joe's funeral and procession went virtually unnoticed. And that's a shame, because I think this post better exemplifies the sacrifice that so many of our soldiers make, and focuses more on the man himself than on the war and its sad ramifications.

An Anachronism in Athens (8/13/04)

The ever-speedy nature of the blogosphere can lead to some embarrassing mishaps. As much as I hate to pick on Newsweek, they dropped a bomb with this graphic. Amazingly, it appeared online for only a few minutes before being changed. I broke my arm patting myself on the back for catching that while I could. As a bonus, catch the caption I added to the picture for a bit of electoral optimism. Ahh, 2004. Such an innocent age.

Nixon Disgrace Turns 30 (8/9/04)

Okay, okay, I can understand avoiding this one. But still, it's a pretty good Nixon portal if ever you're unfortunate enough to need such a thing. And everyone needs a picture of Nixon with Elvis.

Brit Loses Stereo For Playing It (8/5/04)

What can I say about this one? If a blog post can't get play with the tantalizing subheading, "The following is a story about vibrating furniture, the Olsen twins and sexually frustrated white guys. Well, okay, vibrating furniture, mainly. But it's still a pulse-throbbing read," then what hope do we have as a civilization? This entry deserves a look alone for its quoting of a bureaucrat named Ian McGibbon (who is not me), and also for the hyper-optimistic Onion-lite piece I tacked on underneath. "Crime and annoyance down in 2005?" I think they're actually up.

War is Hell (7/22/04)

Somebody's gotta have something to say about the U.S. Army introducing a line of rations that soldiers hydrate with piss! Bush-era capitalism at its most apt.

A Parable for Modern Warfare (6/17/04)

In the early days of Not Right, I blogged a lot of old compositions I had written, thrilled that they now had a theoretical audience. This entry is a skit I wrote pretty much on a whim, equating the Iraq War (a mission then considered "accomplished") to a gas-station robbery:

CLERK: Didn’t you say you were here to liberate the merchandise?

ROBBER: Yeah, that’s what I’m here for.

CLERK: Well, then, how come you didn’t take any of that stuff? (Long silent pause. Then, in an accusatory voice:) It’s all about the gas, isn’t it?

ROBBER: No, the gas is just gravy. I’m really here because I care about the people who have to pay to get their food from you!

CLERK: Is that why you shot them all dead?

ROBBER: For their own good! But hey, you saw that one guy hug me and kiss me on the cheek. He’s happy that I have expelled you from the store!

That's all for now. Look for "Zeroing In--Part 2" in about a year. That is, unless you let me down by reading my work. Vicious fiends!


Flamingo Jones said...

I am officially ensuring that "Zeroing In" does not make the list for "Zeroing In Part 2." Consider it commented. And that Pledge piece was definitely worth highlighting again.

Ian McGibboney said...

Guess they're just jinxed.