Monday, November 28, 2005

Hear it, then fear it

this is an audio post - click to play
--Saddam Hussein's trial was postponed Monday so that the defense could replace three of his lawyers, two of whom were killed. In legalese, that's what you call "a good start."

--Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham of California resigned Monday after being indicted for accepting $2.4 million from defense contractors. The reputation of the Republican Party has been tarnished by the scandal, with party leaders promising that future bribes will be a lot better than that.

--Ben Franklin Elementary School in New Orleans resumed classes Monday, the first public school in the area to reopen since Hurricane Katrina. Students were happy to be back in their New Orleans school, which doesn't say a lot about schools in Baton Rouge, Mississippi and Tennessee.

--Snowstorms plowed the central United States throughout Thanksgiving weekend, causing major problems in South Dakota, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas and Texas. At no point was rapper Snow harmed, because he hasn't been on the road in quite a while.

--New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson admitted this week that he had not been drafted by the Kansas City Athletics in 1966, as he had long claimed. Prompted by this admission, George W. Bush announced that he in fact had been drafted in 1972--by the Dodgers.

--Actor Pat Morita, best known as The Karate Kid's Mr. Miyagi, died Thursday at the age of 73. Karate Kid Ralph Macchio was unavailable for comment, as he is currently obscure.

--A top Indian actress is under fire in her home country for alleging that premarital sex is not always forbidden. She could possibly face jail time, where she is expected to reverse her stance on sex rather quickly.

--A Nevada man was arrested after stealing and reselling $200,000 worth of Legos. Apparently he aspired to collect the most expensive piece of all: the cell block.

--Shoppers all across the country lined up early on Black Friday to begin the holiday shopping season. Long lines, cops and pushy people: it's like Mardi Gras, except with more violence and you don't want to see the boobs.

--Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey announced this week that they are officially over--as a couple, I mean. They've been over for some time now.

--Two Congressmen riding in a military vehicle were injured when it flipped in Iraq this weekend. In a related story, more than 2,000 American troops are still dead.

6 comments:

Neil Shakespeare said...

LOL! Excellent synopsis!

Flamingo Jones said...

I agree completely. This is some of your best, Ian.

Phillip said...

my world has been thrown into upheaval over the nick/jessica breakup. you just don't know.

Phillip said...

also, it seems to me randy cunningham is now ready to head fema.

Flamingo Jones said...

ha ha ha ha! Don't give them any ideas, phillip...

Phillip said...

GIVE THAT MAN A HORSE AND GET HIM TO NEW ORLEANS!