Sunday, October 09, 2005

Why Brett Favre is scum

Yes, I said it! Brett Favre is a scumbag. True, I say that about lots of talented and famous people whom everyone loves and to whom nothing even slightly negative ever happens. But right now, I mean it.

No, I'm not mad because he helped trounce the Saints 52-3 on Sunday. After all, New Orleans gave him one of the worst days of his career (and probably life) back in 2002. The Superdome turf rubbed off quite nicely on his pea-soup jersey.

It's not because his 36th birthday is today, a fact noted by fans at Lambeau Field who sang "Happy Birthday" in creepy unison toward the end of yesterday's game.

I don't think he's scum because of his cruddy cameo in There's Something About Mary.

Nor is it because he is a dip-chewing redneck of the highest degree.

Or because he is a future hall-of-famer who has shattered NFL records and is showing no signs of slowing down.

Or even because Flamingo Jones can now ride my ass about said greatness for the rest of eternity.

No, the real reason Brett Favre is scum is because of this:

Really? Brett Favre is ONE BAD CAJUN?!! Yo, no one from Kiln-fucking-Mississippi is Cajun! Not by a long shot; Acadiana, the Cajun haven, is concentrated within a few parishes in southwest Louisiana. Hell, I'm from Lafayette, Louisiana, the very epicenter of Cajun/Creole culture, and I'm not even Cajun! But even if Brett were from this area, I still can't envision him saying, "A-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" and really meaning it.

Incidentally, I have been to Kiln (pronounced "Kill," as in what all Saints fans want to do to Brett Favre right now). Well, okay, I've been on the highway that leads to it; when you reach the exit, you make the same observation that you noted at the Kentwood exit (from whence Britney Spears arose) a few miles back: "There is nothing here!"

I will, however, give Favre props for attending a school named Hancock (I'd sure love to see that locker room); I'll bet that's one reason he can hold his own so well in the face of opposition. Also, he gets props for his Playboy interview, which is actually pretty good; I especially like his line about how his team feels safer on a charter flight than a regular one, because of the bizarre notion that "if the plane goes down, we can save each other. We're the Green Bay Packers!" Interviews like Favre's were the reason my brother and I used to buy Playboy in the first place. I swear.

But still, I'm a little low on patience for yet another superstar favorite touted as an underdog so that everyone is pleasantly surprised when he wins yet again. With that in mind, I came up with one final haiku when I was half-asleep earlier today, wondering why my support is the kiss of death for any team or party that receives it (Go Packers!!):

First Bush, and now Favre.
Another rich redneck boy
Crushing my morale.

Happy birthday, Brett. Maybe somebody will find you the last thing you don't own and give it to you as a present.


wobbleboard said...

Fifty-two to three
At last the game is over
Flamingo can gloat

Phillip said...

52-3? i swear i checked the score at halftime and it was 20-10. i wouldn't put losing points past the saints.

i have (had) that playboy! good times.

Ian McGibboney said...

Phillip, I never saw the Saints score a touchdown. I think I would have remembered that. But you're right--if there was a way for the Saints to lose points, they'd do it. Unless they were playing the best team in the NFL; then they kick their asses.

Everything you need to know about the Saints can be seen by their 2002 record: they beat all of the best teams--including handing Tampa Bay two of their three losses that year--but couldn't beat the virtually winless Bengals or Carolina when it counted. Three straight losses against cruddy teams to end the season and any playoff hopes. Blah.

It takes skill to be that horrible.

Murph said...

Happy Birthday, Brett,
You Mississippi Poseur,
Five syllables here.

Murph said...

Also, the Saints scored no TDs, 1 FG and missed 2 FGs.

Favre's bday? Wow, I had no idea from watching it on TV.

Flamingo Jones said...

You know, I was totally going to read this post....but then I got distracted by that lovely picture of Brett Favre. Brett. So. Pretty. Mmmmm.

Ian McGibboney said...

In light of your comment, Flamingo, I should have photoshopped your profile pic licking Brett like I originally planned. I'll reserve the rights for the future.

Flamingo Jones said...

Hell, I could've sent you the real thing! You didn't ask.

Robert Taylor said...

Well put, goddamnit!

Venitha said...

LOL. Search for haiku and stumble across this. Will wonders never cease. Thanks for the laughs, and I'm sorry about your Saints. It's not like either team is exactly Superbowl bound at this point, though.

Anonymous said...

Its not that much of a stretch to say favre might be at least a little cajun. There are plenty of cajuns all over louisiana, mississippi and texas. I doubt he's cooking boudin as we speak, but hey, 'favre' is french