Monday, September 19, 2005

Lame game notes

Saints, the NFL's current metaphor, fed to Giants

In a score I should have seen coming, the New York Giants beat the Old Orleans Saints 27-10 in a contest that served as a metaphor on too many different levels to explain on only one blog. What follows are my more-or-less random observations about the night.

Mick Jagger opened the broadcast by saying, "Hello, New Orleans Saints fans!" That was so surreal and awesome that I wished I'd taped it. The Saints played their first season in 1967, when the Rolling Stones were already icons, and most likely had no clue as to the nature of American football.

The Stones' appearance reflected the Saints' center-stage presence in this year's football conscience. On one commercial, New York Giants players wore Saints jerseys and introduced themselves, imploring us all to "be a Saint." The commercial temporarily derailed my vocal requests for Michael Strahan to "break his Mike Tyson face and get violently paralyzed by a vengeful God" and for Eli Manning to "take his overrated quarterback-dynasty ass back to the home city he betrayed." Similarly, seeing some the signs Giants fans had made showing solidarity with the Saints and New Orleans put the game in perspective for me. But once the Saints' offense apparently got scared of scoring late in the second half, I began looking for the "We're all Gi-Aints" commemorative paper bags. When I see those, I'll know that football fans truly stand united.

Seriously, though, the NFL has turned the team's scheduling and personal woes into an increased awareness of the disastrous effects of Hurricane Katrina. The way the league has come together, in all ways, for the victims has been nothing short of spectacular. Having the Giants-Saints game (originally a New Orleans home game) as the centerpiece of Monday Night Football would have been the icing on the cake.

Too bad the Saints dropped the ball, in every sense of the word. Literally speaking, they didn't drop the ball many times, but just enough to cost at least two touchdowns and turn the similarly uneven performances by both teams into a rout. Aaron Brooks had said before the game that the team intended to carry the victims of Katrina on their backs. He should have told the defense not to take it literally.

Giants coach Tom Coughlin made some hilariously frustrated faces late in the game, which in my angry-football-hooligan mode was oddly satisfying. Speaking of angry-football-hooligan mode, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to God and/or the forces of karma and nature for certain comments I made over the course of the night:

--I don't really want Michael Strahan to die of a heart attack on the field after breaking his face, nor do I think he is an asshole for pummeling people from New Orleans in this time of need;

--I apologize for suggesting that Eli Manning should have every tooth from his pretty-boy mouth broken in a nasty sack-gone-wrong, and that he be met with random gunfire in San Diego next week since he refused to play for the Chargers;

--I repent profusely for using the name of Tiki Barber in vain, as well as for suggesting that Joe Horn's horn of plenty wasn't plenty enough;

--I apologize to God for suggesting that he/she/it sucked, enjoyed dumping on Louisiana and is obviously a huge fan of the Giants (God is obviously a Patriots fan);

--I apologize to my television screen for spitting on it at the sight of Michael Strahan's face. It was in no way a statement against Monday Night Football, the Katrina benefit telethon or Sansui electronics;

--I also apologize to my wall-mounted master's degree, which I also spit on and rapped with my knuckles. That was just tangential rage;

--Finally, a big "sorry" to my mom for catching me at my football worst. Watching the NFL's goodwill ambassadors lose on the same day that I lost my truck got to me. I still love you, mom, and I can't wait for you to drive me around town tomorrow.

Still, You Gotta Have Faith. And I do, because I plan on watching my beloved Saints rip the Vikings in person next weekend. Just to make sure they do it right like they did against the Panthers. See you on TV!

5 comments:

The Goblin Slayer said...

Ian,

Truly funny! I actually laughed out loud.

My compliments.

Flamingo Jones said...

Whoa....I actually agree with Goblin Slayer on something!

Honestly Ian, your ability to keep your sense of humor even at the worst of times is one of the things I like best about you.

But I was thinking...given our collective luck, maybe we should cheer for the Vikings? That should automatically ensure a Saints victory.

Of course, if I cheered for the Vikings, I could never live with myself afterwards.

Ian McGibboney said...

Naah...if we cheer for the Vikings, they'll win. I've tried that before. The Saints played the Vikes the day after I graduated with my bachelor's degree, while I was having a party. In that game, Daunte Culpepper (or was it Randy Moss?) scored a touchdown after momentarily fumbling the ball on the one yard line on the last play of the game. I jumped up and yelled, "Shiiiiiit!" which I think scared a lot of my friends and family who weren't paying attention. So I still haven't decided whose colors I'll be wearing.

Gob, thanks! I aim to please (and to bring people together).

Phillip said...

since i'm a big football fan now i should leave a comment. that was it.

if i can truly fool myself into falling in love with the vikings by this weekend then the saints will win.

Flamingo Jones said...

I believe that was Moss. Who is, by any definition of the word, a total ass-hat.