Saturday, August 20, 2005

Yep, I'm gay

Yes, you read right! I am officially coming out of the closet. I am unequivocally gay.

Before last night, it never occurred to me that I was a homosexual. Although I'm far from homophobic, I still never fingered myself as gay; in fact, I've been pretty preoccupied with the ladies since I was 13. Who knew that all of that was just a distraction from my real desires? This is no doubt shocking news to all of my girlfriends. Sorry, ladies.

So what prompted my sudden change of hard? According to one of James Dobson's spinoff cults, boys as young as five years old exhibit distinct symptoms of budding homosexuality; these highly uncommon traits reliably predict future sexual proclivities. At first I doubted this, recalling that at age five I preferred Transformers to trannies. But that was before I dug up this picture of myself from my fifth birthday and noticed my staggering resemblance to Ellen DeGeneres (who is also from south Louisiana). Then I realized something was amiss.

As conservatives assert, gayness is a disease, one you choose when you are a young child, long before you have any clue as to the true nature of sexuality. Flawless reasoning, indeed. So who can doubt child-friendly focus groups like Focus On Your Child when it comes to child gaydar?

Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

As a small child of five, I was indeed "different." I preferred drawing to duck-hunting, schoolwork to sparring and Voltron to vagina.

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

Nothing screams "future man" like boys who enjoy tussling with other boys!

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.

Well hey, somebody had to be the woman when my brother and I played house!

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.

After your 12th birthday, of course, it's the other way around. Once you're finally a man, you must put away such childish things as your wrestling tights, toy robots and baseball bats. Because if you don't, you're obviously a pipe smoker, if you catch my drift. So remember, tee ball before 12, tea parties after 12! At left, notice me at 11 1/2, straddling the line.

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”

Because there's no better gaydar than a 5-to-11-year-old male bully. Anyone who can see the gayness in everything from school to lame TV shows would certainly be able to gauge it in their tormented peers! So remember, parents and teachers, bullying must continue unabated--for the sake of the children!

6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.

This rule extends (but is not limited) to the following tendencies: listening to songs by female artists; talking to those of the feminine persuasion; entering into geopolitical discussions involving countries populated by women; nurturing as opposed to ass-kicking; and having his toy robots have conversations as opposed to manly fighting.

7. A repeatedly stated desire to be — or insistence that he is — a girl.

I dressed up as a woman once, at a party; but I was 16 by then, so there was no fear that I was anything but a raging heterosexual.

In summation, I gotta say that FOTC had me pegged down pretty accurately. Hell, they seemed to know more about what I felt than even I did! Who knew?

Let the religiously and socially mandated self-loathing begin...


Michael said...

Uh-oh...rule number 6...I always thought liking Joni Mitchell was a combination of appreciating her as a musician, and, um, a very attractive woman...same with Tammi Terrell, Billie Holliday, Carol King, and to a lesser extent Deborah Harry, Sheryl Crow, Fiona Apple, Sinead O'Connor, the women singers in The Human League, Joss Stone, etc. etc...guess I was wrong (hang my head in shame).

Billie Holliday should have been a dead giveaway--especially since it was Tony Kushner who first introduced me to her music.

And to think all that time I spent back in the 80's learning how to fix cars...was for nuthin'.

little sister said...

The scary thing is that list isn't a joke!


lol @ "sudden change of hard" /that/ sounds more gay than anything on the list!

I stumbled onto your blog by clicking 'next blog'...and I'm glad I did :)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gambitch said...

I'm sorry if this isn't particularly constructive, but bwahahahahahahaha!

Good one Ian!

rhonda said...

the only people who deserve even a moment's concern over this are the parents stupid enough to buy in to it

Alisha said...

Wow Ian, maybe you are Ellen’s long lost child! Just kidding! Seriously, it is sad to think that any parent would buy into this insanity. I think that putting a child into one of these Focus On Your Child groups would cause any child some serious emotional trauma. What ever happened to parents loving and accepting their children unconditionally? Some people today want to play God so badly that they want total control, from picking a child’s sex before birth to trying to steer them away from homosexuality. I think a parent’s energy would be better spent providing a nurturing, loving, and ACCEPTING environment where the child is able to grow and to develop their own personality rather than try to mold them into what the parents want them to be.

Abdul said...

They are concur to the small mature method and to the form of the elasticity not to the language in the trees of the trowel of the beginning, that you he are for the kiss of gentlemen since then. The game disappears with, I would read something not them all its stupid trees of the trowel. Thanks, Abdul

Michael said...

Welcome to the club, Ian. Be sure to pick up your secret decoder ring so you can receive messages from the Gay Leadership Cabal. I'm sure they already gave you your own personalized copy of the Homosexual Agenda.

The Manning Report said...

I always thought you were a little weird

Mikel said...

Ok, your gay, have read my novel yet??

ThomasMcCay said...

Damn, I'm gay too and didn't know it until this moment. I really wish you hadn't told me.

I only got five out of seven, is there hope for me or is this an 'abandon all hope ye who enter here', sort of thing?

Am I gonna' burn in hell with Fred Phelps and Dobson now? Or do fake Christians get their own very large and private hot spot in the infernal regions?

The genuinely scary thing about this is that this nutter is listened to by a lot of people and this list is some very sick stuff.

Imagine the variety of God and rational thought fearing people, who listen to and actually see this sick little cretin as an authority on healthy families.

So, any kid that gets, bullied, teased, and called a fag is gay? Of course God hates fags so those developed future inmates that bully everyone smaller than themselves, are really doing God's work.

And all this time I thought they were just budding psychopaths and Republican fund raisers.

If you want to read something really kinky, go read what he tells fathers fathers to do, to confront nascent homosexuality in his gay son.

One thing this Dobson and Fred 'the nutter' Phelps has in common; Each is fervently committed to his own variety of blatant child abuse.

Mustang Bobby said...

Oh, goody, another recruit! I knew I could get you just by having you read my blog!

I already have the steak knives; I just need one more and I get the toaster oven!

cvcvcvc said...

Nothing wrong with being gay. Think about what the word literally means:
When you're comfortable with who you really are, you really should be happy. Good for you for being proud of yourself!


Anonymous said...

wow when i red this blog i was so like omg it is so tru it turns i am like gay aswell i have never herd a list that was so tru and why do us gays sudenly stand out from the rest and people treat us like we r not normal yeh so what if we like our own type there is nothin wrong wif that we are like them

Ian McGibboney said...

Well...that's good, I guess. But I'm not really gay. But I am by the unbelievably broad "symptoms" pointed out by these yahoos.

Anonymous said...

May be you should think twice about things and not judge so quickly. You are accusing a man of being prejudiced and you end up having to do it yourself in order to mock him well enough. I came to your blog coz i was searching through Google to see if i'm gay. Your list is right about me and i am gay. Then i found out you were just being clever and not helpful. Why are you so interested anyway?

Ian McGibboney said...

If you're implying that I'm making fun of gays, I'm not. I'm making fun of the idiots who think any plethora of common childhood behaviors signifies a gay kid. My whole point is that, despite showing most of these symptoms as a child, I turned out heterosexual. Which is a moot point anyway, because who's to say that homosexuality is a disease? Or something that can be changed if discovered early enough? This list is a sick joke! Why not lampoon it?

I do have one question for you, nameless one: why are you searching Google to find out if you're gay? You seem to assert that you ARE gay after all, so can I assume you figured it out by reading my piece? If so, you're clearly missing the point. More power to you if it helped; but, as it is, you sound like a bad parody. No gay person I know needs something like this to validate themselves.

Anonymous said...

IM,13YRS OLD, and im gay and there is no dout about that beacuse 1.i play with an like girly things.....2.ive kissed a boy before (now my seacret bf)......3.i dont partisipate in any boy things at all. So i think that if you like 10 for instance and u think you are gay then......U R GAY......unless ur greedy nd u like a bit of both lollollollol......frm jordan s england, iom.

Anonymous said...

Oh this is too funny... I'm queer myself, and I loved every word. Ya, I fit some of these criteria as a kid, but, so what? Lots of little boys do. You'd never know, these days. (I'm a stealth fag. I wear masculine clothes, have no lisp, sincerely enjoy building things out of wood and learning auto mechanics). I think I realized I was gay when boobs never did it for me, but muscle and fitness did. :) Rock on, you fair minded heterosexual, rock on. Give those narrow-minded evangelicals a good what-for.