Before last night, it never occurred to me that I was a homosexual. Although I'm far from homophobic, I still never fingered myself as gay; in fact, I've been pretty preoccupied with the ladies since I was 13. Who knew that all of that was just a distraction from my real desires? This is no doubt shocking news to all of my girlfriends. Sorry, ladies.
So what prompted my sudden change of hard? According to one of James Dobson's spinoff cults, boys as young as five years old exhibit distinct symptoms of budding homosexuality; these highly uncommon traits reliably predict future sexual proclivities. At first I doubted this, recalling that at age five I preferred Transformers to trannies. But that was before I dug up this picture of myself from my fifth birthday and noticed my staggering resemblance to Ellen DeGeneres (who is also from south Louisiana). Then I realized something was amiss.
As conservatives assert, gayness is a disease, one you choose when you are a young child, long before you have any clue as to the true nature of sexuality. Flawless reasoning, indeed. So who can doubt child-friendly focus groups like Focus On Your Child when it comes to child gaydar?
Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:
1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.
As a small child of five, I was indeed "different." I preferred drawing to duck-hunting, schoolwork to sparring and Voltron to vagina.
2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.
Nothing screams "future man" like boys who enjoy tussling with other boys!
3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.
Well hey, somebody had to be the woman when my brother and I played house!
4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.
After your 12th birthday, of course, it's the other way around. Once you're finally a man, you must put away such childish things as your wrestling tights, toy robots and baseball bats. Because if you don't, you're obviously a pipe smoker, if you catch my drift. So remember, tee ball before 12, tea parties after 12! At left, notice me at 11 1/2, straddling the line.
5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”
Because there's no better gaydar than a 5-to-11-year-old male bully. Anyone who can see the gayness in everything from school to lame TV shows would certainly be able to gauge it in their tormented peers! So remember, parents and teachers, bullying must continue unabated--for the sake of the children!
6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.
This rule extends (but is not limited) to the following tendencies: listening to songs by female artists; talking to those of the feminine persuasion; entering into geopolitical discussions involving countries populated by women; nurturing as opposed to ass-kicking; and having his toy robots have conversations as opposed to manly fighting.
7. A repeatedly stated desire to be — or insistence that he is — a girl.
I dressed up as a woman once, at a party; but I was 16 by then, so there was no fear that I was anything but a raging heterosexual.
In summation, I gotta say that FOTC had me pegged down pretty accurately. Hell, they seemed to know more about what I felt than even I did! Who knew?
Let the religiously and socially mandated self-loathing begin...