Where no news is good news (and all news is bad news)
We start off today's news with four items I forgot to touch on in the last few weeks. Call them, "Not Quite Not Right News":
--A San Antonio man was arrested July 25 after reporting the theft of his marijuana. In addition to his stash, the man also reported missing his plasma TV, his "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" DVD and his common sense.
--Friends of a 31-year-old single man in Utah erected billboards advertising his singlehood. After fielding numerous calls, his friends are expected to narrow the field down to a respectable seven wives.
--A Kansas high-school student was charged with battery after he vomited on his Spanish teacher. Though accused of planning the incident, the student claimed he was just trying to say, "Olehhhhhhh!"
--Atkins Nutritionals, the company behind the famous low-carb diet, filed for bankruptcy July 31. And why not? Money is very high in carbohydrates and fattens wallets.
Now for some newer news...
--The Labor Department announced Aug. 5 that 207,000 new jobs had been created in July, the strongest growth in five months. What they didn't announce was that those jobs suck.
--An Oregon high-school coach was placed on probation for licking the bloody wounds of his athletes, which he said served to clean the cuts. Yo, coach, everyone knows that licking cuts is wrong! You're supposed to piss on them.
--In license-plate news, cheerleaders in Ann Arbor, Michigan were able to track down a hit-and-run offender by chanting his license-plate number as a cheer. "Give me a Y! Give me a G! Give me a T! Give me a 6! Give me a 2! Give me another 6!" How about I give you a pen?
--On Aug. 7, WWII veterans and Japanese survivors met on the island of Tinian to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the Hiroshima/Nagasaki bombings. Many opposed the peaceful summit, saying that there is no need for a balanced view of history. These critics were later offered jobs by Fox News.
--Finally, a man in Seoul, South Korea died of heart failure after playing 50 straight hours of computer games. Apparently he had only one life left.