Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Same stories, different sentences

--In an attempt to curb the spread of HIV, a politician in Uganda is offering free college scholarships to all female virgins in his district. Though male students do not qualify for the scholarships, they will be offered female virgins.

--The final wave of Jewish settlers in the Gaza Strip evacuated Tuesday, as Israel ceded that portion of the West Bank to the Palestinians. The evacuation is part of prime minister Ariel Sharon's plan to settle Arab/Jew hostilities for .0003 seconds.

--Iraqi officials continue the process of drawing up a new constitution, with Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis clashing over key points. Gentlemen, if I may offer some input...if you're going to emulate the current American model, then just write anything! Because it's not like you'll ever follow it anyway.

--Following a barrage of protests, Australia's Parliament House lifted its ban on the word "mate" after only one day. As for the House ban on Kangaroo Jack, well, that's permanent.

--Today is the first day of the rest of Eric Rudolph's life sentence.

--The Whirlpool Corporation announced Monday that it has purchased Maytag for $2.7 billion. A high price, sure, but dates for that lonely repairman don't come cheap.

--A fisherman in Massachusetts recently found a sleeve full of credit cards dating back to 1966. He tracked down their owner and returned them, but only after he purchased some new Beatles records and a gear hi-fi.

--A Belgian soccer team lost 50-1 after its goalie skipped the game to attend a rock concert in Brussels. According to substitute goalkeeper Charlotte Jacobs, "At half-time the score was 27-0. But after half-time we were able to recover. We had to stomach only 23 goals and we scored once ourselves--" Wait a minute...there was actually a substitute goalie?

--In license-plate news, a Washington motorist was questioned in May for his tag reading "C9H13N," which is the chemical formula for methamphetamine. In light of the investigation, state authorities have removed all road signs alluding to "SPEED."

--Synthesizer pioneer Robert Moog died Aug. 21 at the age of 71. Funeral selections will include "Requiem," "Ave Maria" and "She Blinded Me With Science."

--Finally, this is Not Right's 400th post! And the first post ever to say that.


oyster said...

Happy 400th! Here's to many more!

(I mean: here's to many more posts in general, not many more posts celebrating your 400th.)

Alisha said...

Wow…400 post of complete bullshit! Haha!! Keep it up Ian…your writing is always amusing!

Phillip said...

i think i just eclipsed 500 but i can't tell.

does "courtney mart" mean anything to yoU?

Ian McGibboney said...

Phizz, look at the number of posts when you first log on and see the green plus. Blogger is actually updating that number nowadays! Short of that, just crack into your post-edits and count them.

As for "Courtney Mart," the closest thing I can relate to that is the Country Mart, which used to be a grocery store near where I live now. I never went there but I had a very generic frisbee from there in late 80s. Why?

Phillip said...

someone close to me wanted me to mention courtney mart to you in reference to a journalism-related sojourn to fayettefille, arkansas one year. ring any bells?

Ian McGibboney said...

Oh yeah! I just didn't know her by that name, because she got married in the past year or so. Yeah, I know her! That was a funny trip.

gambitch said...

In case I'm the type that didn't get the joke, yes Ian, you can have a substitute goalie in soccer, considering people usually put 5 or 7 people on the bench.

But I gather this was a Belgian women's league, and a non-professional one at that too? If that's the case, anyone could play replacement goalie and it wouldn't make a real difference half the time.

gambitch said...

*choke* *sputter*

But SK Berlaar's secretary, Jan Verbinnen, was unmoved by the loss and saw a way of inverting the outcome, noting that the other team had registered 16 instead of 15 players for the match.

"If I tell the [soccer] federation, they will have lost the match 5-0 and will be eliminated from the championships," he told the newspaper.


And finally, Happy 401st!

Phillip said...

christ i'm on 605. i need a life.