Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Proverbs, P.I.M.P. style

--A country that allows Ann Coulter to be a bestselling author and pundit is one that truly lets anyone speak.

--We drive on parkways and park on driveways. We also drive to the park.

--I once met a girl whose perfect man had a huge gut, scratched himself a lot, smelled funny and whose only hobby was watching infomercials on late-night TV. I asked her out. She declined, saying I wasn't good enough for her.

--"Slim chance" and "fat chance" mean the same thing. Which is, of course, "no chance."

--Politicians are often criticized for being hypocrites. On the other hand, James K. Polk and Jimmy Carter, two presidents known for their ideological purity, were also criticized.

--"Seven" does not have seven letters. Fifteen, however, does.

--Conservatives often demonize what they call the "left coast" for its largely liberal politics. As opposed to the east coast, who are all "New England liberals." And the midwest, which is owned by Big Labor. And the beltway of Washington D.C., where politicians are out of touch with the mainstream. And the South, which is the breeding ground for such evil men as Bill Clinton, Al Gore and John Edwards. And Austin, Texas, which is granola country. Now what was that about a sea of red?

--I read that the GOP funneled money into Ralph Nader's campaign. They probably called it Green fees.

--We often hear about our "friendly neighborhood" restaurant/grocer/minimall/etc. Do you have that in your neighborhood? Mine has houses.

--In 1991, Van Halen released "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge." Come to think of it, that title has one doozy of an acronym! I wonder if Eddie noticed.

--I once wrote a column that was all lies. Honest!

--There is actually an Independent Party. Its members are oxymorons.

--One night, a couple of years ago, I visited a friend at his apartment complex. I parked next to his apartment, a place from where he assured me that no one ever got towed. Half an hour later I saw that I got towed. He said that was the first time in his year living there that he'd seen that happen. With luck like that, I should have gone out and bought a lottery ticket. Alas, I had no ride.

--The Republican Party used to be the Party of Lincoln. Now they're the Party of the Lincoln Navigator.

--If Washington D.C. is the brain of America and the midwest is the "heartland," where does that leave the colon?

12 comments:

Michael said...

I suspect Eddie not only noticed, but intentionally used it. That phrase is often cited (with what degree of accuracy I can't say) as the origin of the acronym in question. It was supposedly what British police used to note on the records of people they had arrested for soliciting prostitutes.

Ian McGibboney said...

Michael, your straight interpretations never cease to amuse me.

Phillip said...

define irony (wynona): a hummer suv with a yellow ribbon sticker on the gas cap

Flamingo Jones said...

The first sentence of that column isn't a lie. You truth-telling bastard.

ica said...

--There is actually an Independent Party. Its members are oxymorons.

my favorite

Ian McGibboney said...

Yes it is, Jones. Because it says that EVERY sentence in the column is a lie. But because that is incorrect (that sentence is correct), then by definition it is also a lie. Know your paradoxes, Marty!

Jessica: that too is my favorite.

Nick said...

Wasn't Al Franken a best selling aurthor as well? He's just as much a shit face as Coulter, so at least our country is "fair and balanced" in it's praise of crappy people.

Ian McGibboney said...

Like hell he is. Al Franken is a lot of things, but he is NOT the lefty equivalent of Ann Coulter. He has never called for all conservatives to be arrested; he has never called for terrorist attacks on right-wing news outlets; he has never called for the slaughter of world leaders and their conversion to Judaism; he has never written entire books apologizing for America's most disgraceful characters or why conservatives want the terrorists to win; and of course he is actually readable and entertaining. Bad comparison.

Nick said...

Actually, I think it's a good comparison. Most of what you quoted from Coulter is crap she was joking around with, you know, satire, exactly what the left likes to call Franken's books. For me personally, they're exactly the same. They both make their money off of nothing but libel and slander, and that's a discrace.

Ian McGibboney said...

The difference between Coulter and Franken is that Coulter's satire is just bad. It isn't funny, and she's not much of a writer. I enjoyed Bill O'Reilly's books much better because, as nutsacky as I find him in many ways, at least he's entertaining. Ann Coulter is more like Sean Hannity in that she's more intent on spewing hate against the left than in creating anything witty or worthy of note. The result is that her so-called "satire" falls flat on its skeletal ass because it's indistinguishable from the rest of her toxic prose.

On a similar note, Ann's book "Slander" should have been titled "Libel" because libel refers to print accusations while slander refers to spoken slurs. Surely a lawyer writing a book about media lies would know the difference. Unless she wanted to use the more malicious of the two words, that is. Real authoritative.

Al Franken, on the other hand, puts his seasoned comedy training to work and creates smart satire. Not all of it is perfect, but whose is? In any case, Franken's done a much better job debunking Ann's research methods (see "Lies") than Ann has done discrediting the left.

Nick said...

Maybe Franken's satire is better than Coulter's, I don't know. I don't like either style and didn't spend enough time reading their books to tell. But like I said, they both make their money trying to defame people with lies.

On another note, I thought this was wierd b/c of this topic we've been debating. I usually go to fanball.com every morning to get news and opinions on happenings in the NFL. Here's how this morning's article opened:

"The Browns franchise re-entered the NFL six years ago, and even though they went quarterback-wide receiver with their first two draft picks (Tim Couch and Kevin Johnson), they've been as far from an aerial juggernaut as Al Franken is from Ann Coulter on the political scale."

Ian McGibboney said...

I think it's easy for people to compare Al Franken and Ann Coulter, because Franken is one of the left's few truly colorful figures. He might be the left's biggest cheerleader at the moment, but that does not make him the equivalent of Ann Coulter. But because there is no lefty equivalent of Coulter (at least no one worth the fame), and because people in general are not about nuanced argument, they latch on to that comparison.