Saturday, August 27, 2005

Katrina is coming...look busy!

Hurricanes are nature's way of saying, "Get out of the South." But for those of us who do not heed the warning, expert preparation can be the difference between surviving the storm and buying the farm. Below are some useful tips on what to get and what to do. Happy hurricane!

The most important tip is to hoard stuff, just like you did with Y2K (except that, this time around, it probably won't be a conspiracy-theory-based total waste of time). Below, a list of top essentials you'll need:

1) Food. Non-perishable foods such as canned vegetables, dried fruit, beef jerky and whole-grain oats are your best bet. If possible, stock up on McDonald's food beforehand; it's the tastiest nonperishable and indestructible foodstuff ever invented.

2) Water. Buy lots of bottled water, because it's the trendy thing to do. For the budget-minded, filling up your bathtub prior to the storm is an excellent alternative; if nothing else, that will nauseate you enough not to want to drink for the duration of the storm.

3) A generator. This awesome little contraption powers your entire home--not bad for a glorified lawnmower engine. The catch? It runs on gas. With fuel costs being what they are, perhaps cold baths aren't such a bad idea. Nevertheless, many households keep one of these around in case they need to run essential appliances. At least one person in Louisiana died in 2002 after running a generator indoors, so keep it outside, genius.

4) Batteries. You'll also want a more portable source of power. Batteries will help you stay up to date on whether or not you are, in fact, currently getting hit by a hurricane. Consequently, you'll want a battery-powered gadget such as:

5) A transistor radio. Remember those? You had one back in 1992, before you threw it out for that Ultra Mega Home Plasma Stereo Theater System. Sucker!! And that CD Walkman's not going to help you either, bro!

6) Holy books. If you're a Christian, for example, the Holy Bible will guide you through the turmoil with such soothing stories as the Great Flood and the Seven Plagues.

7) Something else to do, for god's sake! As fun as it may seem to be cramped up with your family in the hallway, trust me, the novelty wears off after a few minutes.

8) Tape for your windows. X-shaped sections of tape across panes of glass will prevent 100-mile-per-hour winds from shattering your windows. Well, actually they won't. But a bunch of Xs across your home will send a message to the evil spirit Pressurus that you have alcohol and porn to keep you busy while your windows get shattered.

9) Fear. You'll definitely want this if you want the full hurricane experience. In order to carry as much fear as possible, you'll want to leave behind rational thoughts, such as the fact that hurricanes happen every year in the same areas and that said areas still contain 100+-year-old structures. Additional fear can be found via radio reports and The Weather Channel, the ultraslick Fox News of the barometric set.

Some further tips:

--Do not evacuate when everyone else does; this causes panic and congested roads. Wait until everyone has already left and police have closed the roads. The streets are empty then.

--While you await the storm, research legendary hurricanes from times past. This should put you a mood of hysterical paranoia perfect for taking precautions.

--Watch KPSE News-5 for the latest-breaking developments. Pulse TV is the only station with Doppler-Pulse Radar 5000, the only technology that allows you to truly see the hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico! Our friendly weatherman Rob Tamarillo will keep you tracking and keep you laughing with his first-rate weather broadcast! Stay tuned.

--Hope that the hurricane reverts to a mere tropical storm. Those things are harmless.

--Continue to track the coordinates of the approaching hurricane. Remember, a watched pot never boils.

--The actual wrath of a hurricane is best enjoyed from the comfort of an expansive set of patio doors. It's so awesome, dude!

--Be sure to praise God if the storm steers away from you; at the same time, have the good grace not to thank God for destroying the other place.

--Finally, contemplating a move to California is not a bad idea. Even with their earthquakes, mudslides and forest fires, Californians still pity us.


Abbigail said...

If you're right with God, you have nothing to worry about.

Are you?!

Love your blog!


Ian McGibboney said...

Abbigail, lots of people in the south are right with God. He, in turn, has blessed them with the attention of the Weather Channel.

Phillip said...

instead of buying a bunch of batteries i bought a charger and a few rechargeable batteries. i am genius!

Flamingo Jones said...

This is awesome! I almost wish I lived somewhere that occasionally got ravaged with hurricanes so that I could use all of this information.

But not really. I'm disaster-free and lovin' it!

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Michael said...

What the hell are you doin' still bloggin', boy? Get your ass to the store and stock up, or get yourself to someplace safe. Come back and let us know you're OK, OK? I'll be thinking about you tonight and tomorrow.

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Beth Danae said...


I like your blog and your writing style. I gotta figure out how to do more with my blog...


Brian said...

I was bemoaning the lack of comments on my blog, until I saw the spam on yours.

I've already had my share of Katrina--got my power back yesterday--and then I discover that it's about to swamp the land of my childhood. My ex and my daughter are leaving for Atlanta, and I'd recommend that you get the hell out of there as well.

Flamingo Jones said...

I decided to turn the word verification feature on my blogger comments. The blogger spam is getting ridiculous. Obviously.

Not that a nice women's golf club site isn't worthwhile....

Ian McGibboney said...

Thanks for checking in, everyone. Here's an update for all of you:

1) I've held out on turning on that pain-in-the-ass comment filter for as long as I could. But after receiving more spam on just this thread than probably all the others combined, I've relented. Now I can only hope I remember.

2) Contrary to popular belief--probably not helped by being listed on am actually pretty far from New Orleans. I'm roughly 115 wiles west, in Lafayette. We're probably going to be hit pretty hard, but our evacuation is voluntary and people are actually taking refuge here from outlying areas. I've got what I need and have gone through many, many hurricanes in my life. I'm ready.

Phillip said...

people in lafayette are being a tad overdramatic, it seems to me. better safe than sorry i guess, but it's not the end of the world for us. it's really just going to be a bad thunderstorm.

yeah, new orleans is fucked though. i can already hear falwell saying that god is smiting homosexuals.

Michael said...

You stay safe anyway, Ian. That fucker is like 400 miles across (or looks like it anyway), and hurricane-force winds exted out at least a hundred miles from the eye.