Sunday, August 14, 2005

Direct marketing...to my spambox

Sometimes living off the commerce grid really has its benefits. It's like being the only sober person at the end of a wild weekend party; you laugh at how pathetic it all is, but at the same time you wonder why people still do it!

Example 1: I often receive envelopes in the mail marked, "Urgent Information Regarding Your College Loan!" The letters appear to be from legit financial institutions and implore that I begin paying off my debts in diligent fashion. My parents also receive mail to that effect, saying that they really need to refinance my loans so that they can afford to cover my debt-ridden ass.

As long as these companies are buying my name from the university (whores), they should also spring for the info that NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER TAKEN OUT A COLLEGE LOAN!! I had a full scholarship for most of my college career. Nice try, guys.

Example 2: I receive an "official" letter from PayPal urging that I update my account information as soon as possible before they delete it. The e-mail offers a link to an "official" site where you can conveniently plunk down your account number and all of your presumably unchanged information. Just to update it, you know. Wink wink.

Right. I've never used PayPal in my life. Where do they even get this stuff? And even if it were real, why would such a reputable company extort you like that? "Update now or forever hold your peace." Really sound business model you got there, Rockefeller!

On a side note, why do spammers send out messages with the subject "re: your inquiry"? Assuming this is a reply e-mail, which is standard business/professional practice, shouldn't the subject read, "re: my inquiry?" And why would anyone label their e-mail, "my inquiry?" How weak is that? "Gee, Dithers, I deign to think we should honor his inquiry. It's right there in the subject title!" But I digress.

Example 3: On an almost daily basis, I get letters and e-mails from the University of Phoenix Online, DeVry and similar ilk compelling me to "get the degree you need to get ahead!" Now, we could debate the merits of online education to begin with, but that isn't the point here. The point is that I ALREADY HAVE TWO DEGREES! So far, they've gotten me ahead--at the head of the unemployment line. Perhaps most ironically, these online universities most likely got my name from the college where I spent seven years in the first place.

If I haven't spelled it out for you enough, spammers, just remember these points:

1) I have only one (and relatively small) loan. I know its terms cold and I pay it off diligently. And it has nothing to do with school.

2) Marketing online or diploma-mill degrees to college graduates is generally a ridiculous idea. But it's the spam paradox at work: only the people who are dumb enough to actually ponder the question, "Is your lack of a high-school diploma holding you back?" would unquestionably accept a fake college degree.

3) I barely have enough connections in my hometown, so if you think I'm fooled by a "personal" letter from Princess Toadstool of Stankonia (email: imaprincess@654ertpego.xz), then you need a lesson in reality. Might I suggest DeVry University Online? I can even recommend some student-loan offers!

I fear for those who aren't as sure about these things I am. Spam is getting more and more sophisticated. Look out.

2 comments:

Abdul said...

Why you have transformed inside in my names in the same phrase of the program with Nigéria and people,
that one that you in the beginning leave to the end, where you commented? You have the certain respect...with you to another part of the world to inform and wanted that they worked according to classified somebody in the left.
The thoughts are important you? They are not sure that a predetermined
rotation, Abdul

Mustang Bobby said...

Oh, I see you've been visited by Abdul, too.

Anyway...

I love having Qurb so I can get all of my spam put in one convenient place and then delete it with one fell swoop. I send any spam I get addressed to "Dear PayPal User" to spoof@paypal.com and let them deal with it. I laugh at the "Get Your Degree!" stuff and think that with three degrees I'm still not getting paid what I'm worth, so why would one from the University of South Key Largo help? As for the most persistent ones that encourage me to "please my lady all night," I would love to tell them, that a) I'm not into women and b) why would they assume that my penis is neither big enough or hard enough to do what I itend to do with it when I want to and for as long (pun intended) as I'm already able to do?

If all our foreign aid to Nigeria has gone to set up these spam rooms, I suggest we invade that country and shut down those weapons of mass intrusion.