Friday, August 12, 2005

Aren't summaries supposed to be short?

If you're like me, you're afraid to be seen with Bernard Goldberg's new tome, 100 People Who Are Screwing Up America. At the same time, however, you're curious to see who made the cut and why. Well, worry no more! Philip Dhingra has personally graced Not Right with his condensed version of the book, in which he does the dirty work for us.

What's the catch? Well, Dhingra's a big fan of the book; why he basically ruined any reason for buying the book is anyone's guess. On the other hand, I have no such qualms and am thus offering my own condensed version of Dhingra's condensation. The listed names offer a telling glimpse into the pit from whence right-wing ideology ferments.

Because the numerical list seems based entirely on what Goldberg was (or wasn’t) thinking at the time, a better way to showcase his list is to divide it into Stereotypical Categories. What follows are my categories, Goldberg's names, Dhingra's comments and my replies:

Obvious Satans of the Earth

1) Michael Moore--He doesn't deserve to be talked about. Which is why he’s at the top of the list.

3) Ted Kennedy--How can he have a conscience if he was against the Iraq War? He should be pro-life like the pro-war crowd!

4) Jesse Jackson--While he is a great orator, his focus is on provocation. As opposed to demagogues like Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly, who are civilized.

6) Jimmy Carter--is getting improper credit for being a champion of human rights. Yeah, not enough.

20) Howard Dean--has maintained a rambunctious and angry attitude toward Republicans. As opposed to John Kerry, who is too conciliatory and stiff.

37) Al Franken--In an interview Goldberg had with Franken, Franken sounds like an idiot by randomly yelling the word "Liar." Aww, look who’s mad!

Indeed, Goldberg’s personal feuds pepper the entire list. Anyone who has read (or has even heard of) Goldberg's previous book Bias knows that the author has a long-standing grudge against CBS, alleging that the channel is liberal because they fired him or something. Goldberg shows his own bias against the major networks (particularly CBS) on his list, starting strong and then branching off into a weird game of "Seven Degrees of Dan Rather":

12) Dan Rather--He has bias, and either he doesn't know it or he won't admit it. Actually, he does and he did. But does that make Bush’s sketchy military records any less important?

13) Andrew Heyward (Pres. of CBS News)--not owning up to the phony Bush story;

14) Mary Mapes (former producer for CBS's 60 minutes)--aired the story!

We get it, Bernie; you hate CBS! Obsess much? Oh, the list goes on and on!

46) Barbara Walters--is doing more harm to journalism by also interviewing celebrities and asking dumb questions. Whereas Fox News interviews politicians and asks dumb questions.

52) Markos Moulitsas--dailyKos is possibly the busiest political site on the Internet, but it's also a center for pessimism and defeatism toward the United States. Or at least the Bush White House. Same thing, right?

53) Ian McGibboneyjust kidding. Even Goldberg can’t hang with me.

55) David Westin--He is partly responsible for blurring the lines between entertainment and news by putting fake journalists on air (see next entry). The next entry is not Jeff Gannon, as one might suspect.

56) Diane Sawyer--How can Diane Sawyer claim the title of journalist, when she does a shallow interview with Britney Spears? Who supports the president!

Judicial Activision

7) Margaret Marshall--overturned an age-old tradition of marriage being an exclusive sacrament between males and females. The worst court decision since the end of that slavery tradition.

16) John Edwards--made big bucks winning a case that used more emotion than science, which in no way resembles the basis behind “Intelligent Design.”

22) Michael Newdow--got a court to make it illegal to say the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Which everyone immediately obeyed.

40) Scott Harshbarger--built a child-abuse case against a day-care center's owners using solely testimony from forty children. Yet we’re supposed to believe the couple of owners?

A Day at the Racists

30) Latrell Sprewell--Sprewell's arrogant comments in public show just how spoiled some professional athletes have become. Said the rich and famous author who throws tantrums against CBS News.

47) Maxine Waters--is obsessed with race. Well, yeah, she's in the Congressional Black Caucus.

57) Ted Field--has helped spread rap music. A vaccine has yet to be discovered.

67) Randall Robinson--a major proponent of slavery reparations [but] slavery was a long time ago. So don’t forget about that interest!

79) Harry Belafonte--criticized Colin Powell as kissing-up to Bush and the white establishment. Why can't blacks be conservative? Because conservatives are the white establishment, duh!

Schoolhouse Crock

50) John Vasconcellos--worked with California schools to pioneer the doctrine of "self-esteem." [...] education in America hasn't improved. Uniforms, vouchers and No Child Left Behind—now that’s education reform!

68) Katherine Hanson--a hysterical feminist, Goldberg’s catch-all epithet for any woman with an opinion.

72) Ward Churchill--not so much [for] his incendiary comments, but rather the academic community that gives extremists like him tenure. Which I believe he had before his comments?

Left-Coasters and Other Celebrity Freaks

81) Tim Robbins--He also says he's about peace, but he's also mean to people. People like Goldberg, who hates Tim Robbins.

83) The Dumb and Vicious Celebrity (ex: Linda Ronstadt, Martin Sheen, David Clennon, Janeane Garofalo); 84) The Vicious Celebrity (ex: Alec Baldwin, Wallace Shawn, Sean Penn, Janeane Garofalo);
85) The Dumb Celebrity (ex: Cameron Diaz, Fred Durst, Kate Hudson, Janeane Garofalo)--I think Janeane’s cute too; but still, three separate spots?

91) Barbra Streisand--How can such a beautiful and talented singer have the heart to bash Bush? Because she has a heart. There's your answer.

95) Courtney Love“Ho.” He would know.

96) Eve Ensler--Her play is silly for its over-use of vagina-related content, […] making Goldberg feel un-hip for not liking the play or its message. I suppose he drives a big truck too.

99) Matthew Lesko--He promotes dubious methods on how to milk the government for "free money." He is a symbol for self-centered free-riders. Only the Bush neocons are supposed to know those things!

Of course, Goldberg is nothing if not Fair and Balanced. He also admits that several right-of-center figures are also Screwing Up America, though apparently in the sense that they're representing the right a little too honestly:

21) Roy Moore--judges should not partake in activism or loose interpretations of the law. Not that blatantly, anyway.

25) James Koppjustifies murdering an abortion practitioner. He should not play God. That’s Bush’s job.

44) Dennis Kozlowski--his company is a conglomerate that acquires little companies and streamlines them by shutting down plants and firing employees. Besides, he was too obvious about it.

45) Ken Lay--fraudulently generate[d] millions of dollars from 1996 to 2001. Deserves to be slapped on the wrist, hard.

61) Michael Savage--has given conservatives a bad name by making cruel personal attacks and for getting caught by a live mike.

66) David Duke--has run for US President twice as a Republican, which itself is embarrassing enough.

70) Jimmy Swaggart--goes too far in his criticism of homosexuality by mentioning in a sermon that he would kill gay men. He should know that real bigots just do it.

100) Rick and Kathy Hilton--deserve blame for raising Paris Hilton. Agreed.

And, last but not least, the one summary that puts Goldberg’s entire manuscript in perspective:

8) Paul Krugman--Goldberg is unable to find a quote of Krugman's that is hysterical or extreme, so Krugman's flaw is that he consistently argues against Bush's policies without sounding foolish. So his flaw is that he debates without sounding foolish? For whom is that a flaw?

In his criticism of those who are screwing up America, Bernard Goldberg forgot one important name—his own.


Phillip said...

janeane garofalo is a hero of mine, so it does my heart good to see that she was mentioned thrice. they always shout loudest against the ones they consider dangerous (hillary, dean, etc).

Abdul said...

This lagoon of the mountain of gold of the society of the
transmission is really a donkey. They know something? In agreement
with my opinion the greater part of the one than this person is
wonderful the individuals, of which it makes good for the company. If the mountain of gold of the society of the
transmission to publish a book like in my nation, were same wounded. Task for the consideration that is pleasant, Paris Hilton and the creed that is sufficient, decree of not criticizing with parents. This battery is a group of the excrement and is sure that book stupid word of hatred, Abdul

wobbleboard said...

"Lagoon of the mountain of gold" aside, thank you for giving me a weekend at Bernie's (ha!).

chkg20gywx said...

Big News From The Healthcare Industry!!

+++++++++++Current Profile+++++++++++
Faceprint Global Solutions (FCPG)
Current Price $0.15
A company with hot new identity solution products
and licenses with over 40 current governmental and
non-governmental contracts in negotiations.

Is this an undiscovered gem priced to go higher!!
Please read the following Announcement in its Entirety and Consider the Possibilities�
Watch this One to Trade!

FCPG volume trading is beginning to surge with this landslide Announcement. The value of this
stock appears poised for growth! This one should not remain on the ground floor for long.


Faceprint Global Solutions (FCPG) is pleased to announce that its European partner, Keyvelop, has teamed up with IBM's Partner World Industry Networks to deliver customer software requirement solutions for the international healthcare industry.
With FGS owning the exclusive North American rights to distribute the worlds leading encryption and transmission software developed by Keyvelop, FGS is poised to capture large volumes of sales generated by customers currently using IBM's software in the healthcare and other industries.
With traceability and security now deemed a serious business priority, companies are increasingly focused on employing procedures and controls designed to ensure the authenticity, integrity and confidentiality of electronic records.
"This is a very positive move for FGS and for Keyvelop," said FGS CEO Pierre Cote. "We are very happy about the decision to go with IBM. This is a continuation of the progress made by everyone associated with FGS and its partners."
Buell Duncan, IBM's general manager of ISV & Developer Relations commented, "Collaborating with Keyvelop will ensure that we develop open solutions that are easy to maintain and cost effective for our customers in the healthcare and life sciences industry."
Among other things, this new software technology which is currently being used by a number of European healthcare companies, is used to send any file, regardless of format or size. Encryption keys, evidence of transmission integrity with fingerprint calculation, time-stamping of all actions and status record updating, pre-checking sender and receiver identities, validating file opening dates are part of Keyvelop features.
About FacePrint Global Solutions, Inc.
FGS operates a business, which develops and delivers a variety of technology solutions, including biometric software applications on smart cards and other support mediums (apometric solutions). FGS's products provide biometric solutions for identity authentication and a host of smart card- and biometrics-related hardware peripherals and software applications. Apometrix, FGS's wholly-owned subsidiary, combines on-card or in-chip multi-application management solutions with best-of-breed 'in-card matching' biometrics. Keyvelop's secure digital envelope solution and Apometrix's on-card biometrics work together to produce the winning combination in the fields of security, traceability and identity management. FGS is headquartered in Fresno, California.

The examples above show the Awesome, Earning Potential of little known Companies That Explode onto Investor's Radar Screens. This stock will not be a Secret for long. Then You May Feel the Desire to Act Right Now! And Please Watch This One Trade!

All statements made are our express opinion only and should be treated as such. We may own, take position and sell any securities mentioned at any time. Any statements that express or involve discussions with respect to predictions, goals, expectations, beliefs, plans, projections, objectives, assumptions or future events or performance are not statements of historical fact and may be "forward looking statements." Forward looking statements are based on expectations, estimates and projections at the time the statements are made that involve a number of risks and uncertainties which could cause actual results or events to differ materially from those presently anticipated. This profile is in no way affiliated with the featured company. We were compensated one thousand dollars from third party (IR Marketing) to distribute this report. Forward looking statements in this action may be identified through the use of words such as: "projects", "foresee", "expects". in compliance with Section 17(b), we disclose the holding of FGS shares prior to the publication of this report. Be aware of an inherent conflict of interest resulting from such holdings due to our intent to profit from the liquidation of these shares. Shares may be sold at any time, even after positive statements have been made regarding the above company. Since we own shares, there is an inherent conflict of interest in our statements and opinions. Readers of this publication are cautioned not to place undue reliance on forward-looking statements, which are based on certain assumptions and expectations involving various risks and uncertainties that could cause results to differ materially from those set forth in the forward- looking statements. This is not solicitation to buy or sell stocks, this text is for informational purpose only and you should seek professional advice from registered financial advisor before you do anything related with buying or selling stocks, penny stocks are very high risk and you can lose your entire investment.

Joe said...

I wholeheartedly agree with abdul AND chkg20gywx. We need more patriots like these to lead our country to the lagoon of the moutain of gold where there is secure encryption in health care!

Ian McGibboney said...

Right on, Joe! In fact, I'd like to add that, in addition to this great health-care opportunity, I have received a special invite to assist in the transfer of millions of unclaimed Nigerian money, in the process claiming a hefty percentage for myself! I am so blessed.

Joe said...

Nigerian bank accounts? What could go wrong!